Thursday, March 31, 2011

The Waiting Game

My life is a constant emotional rollercoaster. One moment I am having a great time with my friends, the next, I am fighting back tears. It's not fun. It's not fair. I hate it.
The one thing that seems to set me off the most is being out with my friends and see random couples. Random couples, who I don't know, yet I envy them. They get to go to concerts together. They get to eat dinner together. They get to walk down the street holding hands. Simple things that others so often take for granted.
I wish we were a normal couple. I wish we could do all the fun things together. I want to go to the movies with him. I want to cook dinner for him. I want to be able to kiss him. I want to be able to look at his face in person.
Even now, sitting here typing, I am fighting back the tears. I am hours away from putting this month behind me, and that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. It doesn't make me feel better that I have a running tab on how much time we haven't spent together. It doesn't make me feel better to know that I still have so much more to face without him.
It is so strange to think back on all the things he missed this month. He missed my birthday. It still feels weird. Almost as though my birthday didn't actually happen; almost like it was just another day. I went on spring break and saw some amazing things. I had a very close friend lose her father. He wasn't here for any of that. He couldn't experience it with me. He couldn't see my emotions. He mainly could only read about them. And that hurts.
I haven't heard from him in a while. All the reasons why this could be run through my head, and none of them are good. I hate the unknown. I hate being out of the loop. I hate not being able to see that everything is okay. I hate waiting.
The waiting game is a terrible one to play. There are no winners. Just players in a game that never seems to end. The players want to rush things along, but the rules of the game are unwritten and constantly changing.
Obviously, I tend to check my phone more when I haven't heard from him for a few days. With every passing hour, my heart seems to sink deeper into my chest. It leaves me feeling empty. It leaves me feeling alone.
A deep void was created in my life when I drove away from him so many months ago. I don't even want to think about how long ago that was. When people ask me how long it has been, I just give a vague answer so I don't have to actually figure out when it was. I'm afraid to add up all the days he has been gone because I feel as though it will upset me more. Sometimes I view this separation as a long weekend.....a very long weekend.
I want him back. I want him here. I want to know everything is okay. I want to hear his voice. I miss him more with each passing day. I can't stop the tears from falling any longer. Sometimes it is too hard to take. Sometimes the waiting game wins.

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