Monday, February 28, 2011

Plus One

My cousin is getting married at the end of March. Her invitation has been sitting on my kitchen table for a few weeks now. It was addressed to me and my date. My "plus one". Just what everyone dreams of when they are invited to a wedding. You are allowed a "plus one" so you wouldn't have to be alone on a night that you are certain to be surrounded by love. A "plus one" can seem so important at a big party or event such as a wedding. My "plus one" can't be here. It breaks my heart to know he can't be there. I left the invitation with my mom and had her fill it out for me. I couldn't bring myself to fill it out and check that it was only going to be me there. Just me. Alone.
I remember the last wedding we went to together. It was up in Atlanta and it was his family friends who were to be married. I had never met them and I hadn't seen his family in years. I was beyond nervous to meet everyone all over again. All I wanted was to be accepted by his family and show them that we were serious this time and I wasn't planning on going anywhere anytime soon.
The wedding was perfect. I felt like no time had passed between me and some of his siblings. I had wonderful conversations with his mom and just felt like I fit right in.  He and I danced cheek to cheek at every chance we had. I would close my eyes and we were in a world all on our own. That night was also the first night I saw him in his dress uniform. He absolutely took my breath away.
The next day was the first time he told me he loved me. On the top of Stone Mountain Park. Everything about that weekend is ingrained in my mind. I think about it often.
I can't wait for the day where he will always be there to be my "plus one". I was so lucky to have him with me for all the holiday functions. There will come a time when I won't have to search for a date. A time where I won't have to explain why I'm out alone. A time where I can look at him and catch his eye across the room and we can share a mutual thought. A time where we can feel like we are the only ones in the room again.

Sunday, February 27, 2011

I miss the old weekends.

Sometimes this life I have before me seems too hard to take; it is almost like this doesn't feel like it is my life I am living. I never imagined I would be forced to be so far away from the one I love. Sometimes it just doesn't seem fair.
The computers haven't been a friend of mine lately. Nothing seems to connect and nothing seems to send whenever it does connect. I've heard his voice one time this week--which I know I should be greatful for, but it is hard to be happy about that.
It wasn't too long ago when I could talk to  my boyfriend seven times a day if we felt it was necessary. We had a schedule I had grown quite fond of: sometimes talk in the morning before he had work and I had class, usually talk during lunch, talk when he got off work, maybe once or twice after that, and one last time before bed. I miss our phone calls so much. I miss hearing about his day and all the funny stories about his friends, who have now grown to be good friends of mine. I miss venting to him about even the little things. I miss hearing his advice about all the complications school and friends and family seemed to throw at me. I miss his laugh and all the little inside jokes we would talk about.
We had it down to a near science how much we would see each other. There weren't many weekends we stayed apart. Usually when Friday around 3 o'clock rolled around, I would get a call saying he was on his way into town and we would meet and have dinner and spend as much time as possible together until Sunday night when he had to leave again. Once or twice a month I would make the journey to see him. I don't regret any weekend I spent with him. I wish I could do it all over again.
The first weekend I moved into my new apartment at school (which was the first time we had been apart from one another since we started dating) I got a call from him at 7:15 in the morning.
 "Hey baby, are you awake?" he excitedly asked. I am now..." I said as I, tired and a bit annoyed, rubbed my eyes and tried to pay attention as to why he would be calling me at this time. It wasn't like him to be up so early. "Good," he said, "then will you open your door? It is freezing out here." Confused, I asked, "Why...are you outside?"
He decided a few hours after I left that weekend he wasn't ready to say goodbye. He wanted more time together. He left at 3 in the morning on his motorcycle to drive the 4 hours to my school. I was so happy. It was one of the most romantic things I could have imagined. I couldn't believe he would spend his last night at home thinking of me and missing me so much that he would leave in the cold, early morning air, and drive all the way to see me.
I wish it was always that simple- always that easy. The drive to him wouldn't seem so far now. Maybe he wouldn't seem so out of reach. Maybe our relationship wouldn't feel so different now.
It is strange to think how quickly things can change. I got so accustomed to talking to him so much, to seeing him so often. Now everything we knew is gone. I'm happy if I get to get to talk to him a few times a week. I miss him. I miss everything about him. I want him back with me. There is nothing I can have that would replace the way he makes me feel. It is horrible to have something so wonderfully perfect for a few blissful moments, and then suddenly your world is turned upside down.
Nights are always difficult. Weekends seem so depressing. But weekend nights? They remind me how alone I feel.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

How I keep going

I lean on my friends a lot these days. I don't know how I could make it through certain times without them. They are my rock when everything seems to be slipping away. My soldier is the reason I get up every morning, my friends are the reason I can keep going.
A dear, sweet friend of mine sent me a message today. We are in the same position and what she said to me really hit close to home.
My friend spent the night last night.. and I can't decide which is worse- sleeping alone at night or waking up several times in the middle of the night and getting excited just to remind yourself that it's not him :( -- loneliest night yet.
"Loneliest night yet." I know how that feels. Many nights have seemed as though they are the loneliest times I could have ever imagined. Her simple message helped me to remember that I am not alone. Even if he is gone, I am always surrounded by my friends.
My great-uncle, Alfred, died last night. He was 96 years old and led a good life. His passing got me thinking of things he had seen in his life. All the wonderful things, and all of the heartbreaking things. He and his wife were just months short of their 75th wedding anniversary--a feat that is not common by any standards. I think of how much communication developed over his lifetime. People once had to sit and wait by the mailbox, hoping every day they would get a letter from their loved one. Boy, how times have changed.
I carry my phone around like a security blanket. Once it reaches a certain time of the day, I hardly let it out of my sight. My phone is both a symbol of comfort, and a form of torture. I have to fight the urge to check it every five minutes. I often find myself staring at it, wondering where he may be tonight.
He already called me today. I was leaving my friend's house and my phone was about to die and I had to rush home and let my dog out. I asked him to call me back in five minutes and he said he would. Here it is nearly two hours later, and I am still waiting. I'm kicking myself for not being able to talk to him when he called. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't choosing not to call me back. I know there is some reason as to why my phone hasn't rung, but it doesn't make the pain go away.
We got to talk for a long time last night. Hearing his voice just always makes it better. I can't explain it. Just talking to him makes me feel warm and safe. But for now, I will have to settle into my cold and lonely room for the night and hope for a contversation tomorrow. Hope keeps me going.

Thursday, February 24, 2011

Common questions

I haven't written in a few days. This isn't because I don't have things to say, and it isn't because I feel a lot better than my last post. It is because everytime I would go to write on here, my soldier would call me and I would be whisked away into another world where only he and I exist.

I have made a lot of changes in my life this week. Both personal and educational changes. I feel good about them all, but there are certainly times that I wish he could be here to make them with me. The trouble with not talking to him every day is that I feel left out on my own with no help. Sure I have my friends and family to talk to, but it just isn't the same as talking to him. I really miss his compainionship.

I always have to remind myself how completely lucky I am to have him in my life. He makes everything so much better.

There are often questions I get about my situation. Most of them are expected, but some really hurt. People don't often understand why I do this. It isn't because I enjoy being alone or because I only like being in a relationship just for the title. It is so much more than that. This is my life now. I didn't choose it, it chose me. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. This is my chance to answer some of the questions I often get. The people who ask them usually catch me off guard and I don't get to explain myself.

Why are you with him if he isn't here?
I made this decision. I knew full and well that one day he wouldn't always be around when I needed him. I knew there would be long nights when missing him would seem to be too much to take. I knew I would have big milestones and events come up that he should be here for but couldn't come. I knew all of these things. But I also knew how much I cared for him and how I can't see me without him. Even if he can't physically be here when I need him, I know he is always supporting me in everything I do, much like how I always support him.

Aren't you afriad he won't come back?
Of course I am afraid. That thought is always in the back of my head, but that is just where I keep it; in the back of my mind. I don't like to think of it. I try the best I can to stay positive and not think that way. I know he is going to do all that he can to come back to me, and it is my job to be waiting for him when he does.
How can you support what he does for a living?
How can you NOT support it? I have always supported America and our freedom. Why should I stop now, especially when I care so deeply about someone who is willing to fight for it?

I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been really busy and we haven't seen each other in two days!
(Yes, this isn't a question, but I get different versions of this a lot.) First of all, you don't know how I feel. You still have the option of seeing him if you really could. Or you can at least talk to him on days you can't see him. I don't have this luxury. I don't have the opportunity of seeing him when I want. I don't even have the chance to talk to him everyday. All I have, is a phone where he can reach me and the hope that maybe tonight might be the night he calls. I can't even call to vent to him when I am having a bad day. I'm sorry you can't see your boyfriend as much as you would like, but don't tell me you and I are on the same level.

I know people are just curious and I usually don't mind talking about our situation, but sometimes people can be so insinsitive. I don't want a pity party. I just want some understanding as to why people's words can hurt me. I have to deal with this every day. There is no part of me that feels as though I made the wrong decision, but if I had the choice, I would want him here more than you can imagine.

That's all I have for tonight. I'm sorry if I seem harsh or mean at any point. But this is me. This is who I am. Although things aren't always easy, I'd rather have my man in my life than anyone else. I can get through this. Why, you may ask? Because love conquers all.

Monday, February 21, 2011


It is funny how your emotions sneak up on you. One moment, you are having fun and laughing, then it happens: the split second when something runs across your mind and completely ruins your night. That familiar warm sting hits the back of your eyes and your throat tightens to the point where you are afraid that even if you tried to call out, you couldn't squeek louder than a mouse.

That's how I felt tonight.

I was completely blindsided by how upset I could be. I've had my hard and tearful nights, but this one might be the hardest one yet. And for no reason at all. I was just going about my day and the emotions knocked me off my feet.

We were able to talk last night, but often our conversations hold nothing of importance. Last night was one of those nights. Don't get me wrong, it is always good to hear from him, but I miss the old conversations we used to have; the ones filled with jokes and stories of our days and a place where we could just be ourselves. I always found it as an escape from the mundane activities. But now it has changed. We don't have bad conversations, just...different from what they used to be. I know a lot of couples fight when they spend so much time apart and I am happy to report we haven't had a fight yet; so we have that going for us.

I just really hope to talk to him tonight. It feels like I was sucker-punched in the stomach tonight and the hurt won't go away. I hate being alone. I hate being without him. If there is any sort of "life fast-forward" button out there, someone please let me know. I'll give it right back when I'm done. I promise!

I just want things to go back to normal. I hear things get better with time, but right now it just isn't getting any better. Soon, soon, soon. I have to remind myself many people have had it a lot worse than what we have. At least we still have each other, even if we aren't able to physically be around each other right now. We still have love for one another, and that is what keeps me going on nights like this.

"And ever has it been known that love knows not its own depth until the hour of separation" - Khalil Gibran

I hope you are near the ones you love tonight, bloggers. If you are, consider yourself one of the lucky ones. If you aren't, then I feel your pain. But I want you to remember: this too shall pass.

Sunday, February 20, 2011

Never give up hope

Yesterday while in Atlanta, we came across a protest about Lybia. Although I can't tell you quite what it was about (we were quickly hurried away and didn't get to look long enough to hear all they had to say), it did hit me in an odd way.
How lucky are we to live in the great country we call home? I consider myself lucky beyond words. Keep that in mind the next time you go to complain about something.

I didn't hear from him last night. Sometimes it is so hard to fall asleep without hearing his voice.You know how sometimes there is something you want so bad you can just dream about it? I dream about how much I miss him, which makes it so much worse; you dream to escape the reality that consumes your life. How am I supposed to escape loneliness when it haunts me at every turn?

"If it is worth having, then it is worth fighting for" is something he told me in the last email he sent me. Although this is something that is really worth having, the fight can seem so hard. I have an amazing support system, but sometimes all I want is him. It is hard to find the one thing that makes your day worth while, the one person that you can go to with every minute detail, and then not have them around.

Does anyone else ever feel lost? I know I can't be alone in my feelings. Whether it is being away from your loved one or simply not knowing where the future will take you, feeling lost can be a very scary thing.

It is a feeling I never experienced before, and a feeling I would never wish upon anyone. I can sometimes find myself feeling helpless, which just makes things worse. Whenever I feel lost or lonely, I have to think about how he must feel. I can't even imagine what he has to deal with.

Even if I have the worst day imaginable, I know that each day will end and there is another one coming to replace it. You always have to brush yourself off and keep pushing through. I will be back in my soldier's arms before I know it. Until then, I have to focus on the task of being his ever faithful supporter and his biggest cheerleader.

"Are you upset little friend? Have you been lying awake worrying? Well, dont worry...I'm here. The flood waters will recede...The famine will end...The sun will shine tomorrow...and I will always be here to take care of you." - Charlie Brown to Snoopy

I think Charlie says it all; tomorrow is another day, but someone will always be there to take care of you.

As for me, I am hoping to hear from him tonight. His sweet voice may be the only way my weekend could be any better. Maybe your dreams will come true tonight, too. I'm here for you, bloggers.
Don't ever lose sight of your dreams. And, more importantly, never give up hope.

Friday, February 18, 2011

Hope keeps you going

I woke up to the sweetest message from my soldier. It is so good to know that he is still thinking of me even when we are miles apart and spend days without talking. He always reminds me how lucky I am to be with him.

I'm up in Atlanta with my brothers. We went to dinner with some of their friends so it was 3 couples....and me. Nights like this make it even more obvious that I am alone. But all in all, it was fun. I just wish he could be here.

Hopefully I will get a phone call tonight, but I'm not holding my breath at this point. I just have to remember that he will call me when he can and he still misses me.

I'll see some family friends from Ohio tomorrow. I know they will ask about him...but I don't mind. I hope they will see how great of a guy he is just from the way he makes me smile. I just can't wait to talk to him again.

That's all for tonight, bloggers. Not being on my own computer makes it a little more difficult to write.

As for me, I am missing my man, but I take comfort knowing we are looking up at the same stars tonight.

Keep your head up. And most of all: Never give up hope.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Puppy Love

Is there anything better than puppy love?

 And I don't mean the elementary school year crushes many deem as "puppy love", I mean the actual love a puppy gives you that no human can recreate. It is awesome.

This is me, my puppy Chloe, and my man

Last night Chloe curled up in the bed with me and slept through the whole night there. Usually she will sleep at the foot of my bed but last night was different. It was almost like she could tell I was lonely.

I got my first phone call from him this week last night. It was great, only we didn't really get to talk. It is so hard to decide how to balance out my life...usually when he calls it is later in the night so I can always drop whatever and talk to him, since our conversations don't last long anyway. But sometimes, when he calls earlier in the evening, it causes such a problem.
Do I let it go to voicemail?
Do I leave my friends to go talk in another room?
How can I decide what is best?
I want to talk to him whenever we get a chance....if he is taking the time to call me, I should take the time to answer my phone. But this creates more problems. Since I never know when he is going to call, I make plans with my friends. Life has to go on as normal, right? But lately it seems as though I am always busy when he gets time to call me. This makes our phone calls even shorter. I miss him so much and just want to talk to him, but I can't leave my friends and sit at home waiting on a phone call that I may not get for three days.
Does anyone else has this problem?

Anyways, I'm going to a homecoming concert with my friends tonight. Maybe it will get my mind off things. Distractions from reality are always welcomed. It makes me feel normal again...not like half of my heart is missing.

That's all for now bloggers. May all your struggles be small and all your dreams big.

Me? A Blogger?

I've been struggling with the thought of making a blog. I mean, who actually wants to read about my day? But tonight, despite my best friend's reservations and my better judgements, I have finally broke down and made one. So if my best friends ever end up reading this, I still love you and appreciate your thoughts on everything, but every now and then a girl has to have a way to express herself.

That brings me to why I decided to do this; this blog will be a way to express my inner most thoughts, feelings, and ideas. I don't want to sit here and tell you what I ate today or what my ideal outfit is...I honestly don't think my life is nearly that interesting nor am I a trend-setter that everyone should look up to. I am merely a girl with an opinion who is looking for an outlet for my emotions. Even if no one ever reads this, I am hoping this blog will make me feel better about myself. Maybe it will help clear my head of all the craziness that it is filled with. However, if you do happen to stumble upon this one day and actually spend time reading it, I will be a happy girl. And if it even helps you feel better about your life, I will be forever thankful. Who knows, maybe you will discover that no matter how different our walks of life can be, we are in the same boat.

So here it humble approach to a blog. My way of letting you into my life. Be prepared, I may not hold back as my rantings increase.

I'll start by telling you a little about myself (the term you is used relattively loosely here..I haven't decided if you are my potential readers, or if I am just typying to the computer as if it is my new best friend). I am a simple girl with simple dreams. I come from a great family and was lucky enough to live on what I consider to be one of the greatest places,  St. Simons Island. I have the best friends any one could ask for; they support me and have helped me through things I never thought I would be able to handle. And, although I am quite partial, I think I have the cutest puppy ever.

I am in a long distance relationship with the most wonderful guy I have ever met in my life. We met when I was 14 (and he was 15) through my brother, Bill. He and I went to my first high school homecoming (the theme was Saturday Night Fever and although it has now been nearly seven years since that night, I could probably recall very insignificant and minute deals). He was also my first kiss..that's just something a little girl never forgets. However, we went to different schools and it quickly grew too much of a hassle to date someone you never saw. We always kept in touch throughout the years, but we both found ourselves with different friends and different people to date. Then he moved away my junior year of high school and I didn't thought our friendship would continue.
I will never forget the day I found out he was joining the military. He took me out to dinner, at Crab Trap nonetheless, and waited until the near end of our meal to break the news to me. I was crushed. And I was scared. He left the very next morning for basic training.
We sent a few letters back and forth for a few months in 2007, which I still have in my nightstand back home. They were completely innocent, but they are some of my most treasured possessions.
Another night I will never forget was the night I found out he got hurt. Without going into too many details that no one wants to read about, I found out from his at-the-time girlfriend that he was hurt and I broke down. Even if we weren't dating at that time, I couldn't imagine what life would be without him. However, being the dumb and emotional 18 year-old girl, he and I got into a fight about how he was changing and blah, blah, blah and we stopped talking. It was a stupid fight, but I think we had to go through it in order to get where we are today.
Two years later, in the summer of 2010, he and I were both on our hometown terf. He was on leave and I was soaking up every bit of the summer vaction I had. He started to try to contact me, and I wanted nothing to do with him. Finally, after about three straight days of him relentlessly trying to ask me out, he got me with the line "just think..there is only a 30% chance you will regret it". Corny, I know, but for whatever reason, I agreed. He took me to see Despicable Me (which turned out to be really good...I highly recommed it). On the way over there, he played a Taylor Swift song..and that's when I knew I was hooked. Pretty much three days after that date we were officially back together.

We don't live nearly as close to each other as I would like. I miss him constantly. We also don't get to talk as often as I would like. But these factors make the small things so much better: I don't take him for granted which I so often see in relationships where the couple could see one another every day. Every moment that we share together is great. I never thought a simple phone call could mean so much to me. As the days we are apart rack up, I have to think of the wonderful times that we have shared together. We had our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Year's together. Unfortunately, we couldn't be together for this Valentine's Day, but I knew I made the right choice when I truly believed that I would rather get a 20 minute phone call from him than be out with anyone else.

So girls, and the potential guys who might read this, if you are in a relationship with someone you get to see a lot, take it from me: enjoy the time you have together, every time. All the petty fights just aren't worth it. The good should always, always, always outweigh the bad. Life is too short to be with someone who doesn't make you want to be a better person just by knowing them. That's the way I feel about my guy. He makes me feel lucky every day.

There's my rant for the night. Not too shabby for my first post. Feel free to comment and tell me about your experiences. After all, we are in this together. Goodnight, bloggers.

Make each day your own.