Tuesday, March 29, 2011

Of Love and Fighting

I feel as though I have a relationship with my computer. I sit with it open for hours. I check every form of communication I have and hope for the smallest sign that he is out there somewhere, and that he is okay.
If I have a relationship with my computer, then I am cheating on it with my phone. I will not let my phone out of sight. I wake up in the middle of the night and make sure it is still on just in case he needs to call at all hours of the night. I make sure the volume is where I can always hear it. I look at it constantly when I am in class, afraid that if he does call, I won't be able to answer.
When will I have a relationship with him again? When will things be normal? Sometimes it feels as though days are flying by and we will be together in no time. However, most of the time this isn't the case.
We got into an argument today. Of course one of the few times we get to talk in the morning, and we start an argument. I will go ahead and take full responsibility for it. What was said that started it off was meant to be so innocent. A comment in passing, really. But since we could only communicate over the computer, it was taken so wrong.
It is hard to read each other over the computer. All there is in front of you are words on a screen, and no emotion behind them. You have to create your own emotion. You can't read the person's face or body language when they are said.
A simple comment I made seemed to really hurt my soldier. This was not my intention and it broke my heart he took it so harshly. Emotions got out of hand and it was not the way I wanted to start off my morning.
It can be so hard to convey my feelings. He knows I care for him deeply, but he doesn't know how deeply I really feel. My life has changed since we have started dating. He has made me into a better person just by simply being who he is. I wish I could show him how I really feel. It pains me to think that he may never know.
The good thing about our relationship, one thing that I cherrish, is that we never end a conversation on a bad note. If we ever get into an argument, we talk everything out. Every couple fights. Best friends fight. No one is ever going to perfectly get along with someone at all times. But it is the way that you handle the fight that really defines the relationship. What is the point in constanly fighting? That isn't going to help anything.
Very few times have we gotten off the phone upset. And immediately after the phone disconnects, it lights back up so we can calmly talk things out. Never once have I gone to bed angry or upset with my soldier. I am so lucky. I am so lucky we respect each other enough and care about our relationship that we are willing to work out everything. It brings us closer and makes us stronger. We are our own support system.
I miss being able to give him a hug and look into his eyes and say "I'm sorry". It hurts to know that we have to deal with our emotions so far apart. I just want to curl back in his arms again. Life isn't very fun when you have to live it alone.
No matter how horrible it is to have a fight with him, in the end, it always bring us closer. We open up about our feelings and the underlying reason why we really got into a fight (and there is almost always one). He quickly became my best friend for this reason. He knows so much about me. More than most anyone else.
I am so afraid that now that we are getting so close, now that we share such a deep connection, I may lose him. I'm scared to live my life without him. I worry that the more he learns about me, he will see I don't have my life together as much as it seems. I'm scared we will be different when we are finally back together.
On the other hand, I know my love for him is growing every day, even when we are apart. I know that when I can see him face to face, nothing else will matter. Life will be perfect again. I will be able to move on with my life. With our life.
Until then, I will be happy for every day we have.

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