Thursday, March 3, 2011

Especially not now

"I'm sorry for putting you through this," he told me last night. It was one of those nights where the emotion hit me like a ton of bricks. "I made the choice to be with you," I typed out between the tears rolling down my face, "and I have never regretted it." I needed him to know I wasn't uspet with him, I was upset with the situation. "Not even now?" he asked. I firmly typed out my reply, "especially not now."
I couldn't last much longer on the computer. There's only so much time you can spend staring at a computer screen, especially when the tears in your eyes hinder your vision. I didn't know why I was so upset; all I knew was that I wanted him with me and he couldn't be there.
Once I began to get upset, I started to feel foolish for letting my emotions get the best of me. I felt bad for letting myself become so upset and letting him find out I was hurting so much. I hated the fact that I was going to waste one of our conversations on crying so hard that I could hardly communicate. None of these factors helped me feel any better and I finally just had to get off the computer until I could calm down again.
Then I started thinking: I'm only human. I have thoughts and feelings and emotions that are sometimes out of my control. I love a man who I wish could always be with me, but in reality cannot. There are days when my heart aches for him, and that is okay.
It is okay to show emotion to our loved ones. We can't pretend that everything is fine when we are hurting. My soldier knows me better than anyone. He knows my good sides and my bad. He knows my hopes and dreams. He can tell when I am hurting- there is no point in trying to put on a front and act like everything is just fine. It is okay to feel lonely. It is okay to miss our loved ones who are so far away. They miss us, too. They feel lonely, too. We aren't given super powers when they leave. We can't change the way we feel. Although we need to be strong for our loved ones, we can't become stoic to our situation.
I don't regret the choice I made many months ago to be with him. I miss him, but I don't regret him. I missed him the first time I went to call him and it hit me when I knew it was impossible. I missed him when he wasn't here for a small but important (to me!) anniversary. I missed him when he missed Valentine's Day. I miss him every time an inside joke runs through my head. I miss him every night I have to go without talking to him. However, I don't regret him. I don't regret all the love we have shared. I don't regret letting my heart feeling so strongly.
I may have to spend some days alone. I may cry myself to sleep at times. I may wish I could fast foward through these months, but I can't. I can't make the pain go away and I can't stop worrying every moment. I can carry on with my life and dream of the day he comes home to me. I miss him, but I don't regret him. Especially not now.

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