While on the phone with my soldier last night, I fell asleep. Twice. I can't even explain how horrible I felt when I caught myself sleeping and still holding the phone. I was doing everything I could to try to stay awake, but it was just impossible.
Some nights it is too hard to fall asleep. I often find myself waking up in the middle of the night to check my phone. I check the time, check for an email, check for a missed call, anything from him. I know if anything was wrong that I would be contacted. I know if he needed me, he would find a way to get a hold of me. I know all of this, but I still can't help but do everything in my power to be available.
Sleep is a welcomed friend in my life. It is my escape. It just doesn't find me as often as I would like. I've been taking short naps almost every day and I often fall asleep on the couch while watching TV with my roommate much earlier than I should. She has been poking fun at how much I have been sleeping lately; little does she know, I hardly sleep at night. There are times I wake up more than 5 times a night thinking of where he might be or what he is doing. My mind tortures itself with all the different scenarios he may be facing. It can be so hard to turn it off.
There are times where I just lie awake thinking of him. I think of his voice. I picture his arms around me. I imagine what it is going to be like to see him walk up to me. I see his smile and feel his skin. I can't wait for us to be together again. To breathe the same air. To see the same things around us.
Now that it is getting warmer, I like to walk around outside once it is getting dark and the air is crisp. I look up at the stars and wonder if he has looked up at the same stars that night. I find comfort in knowing we are sleeping under the same sky every night, but I wish we were back in the same time zone. I wish we could be living out our lives at the same time, not in different time intervals.
"Ten days until my birthday," I will say to him. "9 days for me," he says. "How does the future look?" I ask. "Lonely," he jokingly replies. At least we still have our sense of humor about our situation. We still laugh and joke around. We try not to let our reality get the best of us. Even though we are not in the best place, we still have each other. And that is the most important thing to have.