Being here makes me feel so distant. I don't know anyone but my friends here. There are no commitments I have to do. There are no rules I have to follow. I can just be myself for once.
It's funny; you would think being in a town where I have no connection and have never been to wouldn't make me think of anything but the present and how blissfully wonderful that can feel. But really, all I can think about is how badly I want him here. As much as I try to push it out of my mind for a little bit, take a break from this reality, it always manages to sneak back in.
Everything I do this week, I wish he could do, too. Everything I see, I wish he could see. Every place I make plans to visit, I wish he was here to make the plans with me.
It is a horrible feeling to know that I can't pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about the fun I am having. A feeling that I don't know I will ever get used to. There is always that one thing that sparks my mind to think about him. And there is always that split second where I want to pull out my phone and tell him. But I can't do it.
Today it was a volleyball court.
In ninth grade, when my soldier and I started dating the first time around, I was on my high school volleyball team. I loved it. And somehow, for whatever reason, I was actually kind of good at it. My coach was Coach Knowles. Little did I know, he was friends of my boyfriend's family. They all played volleyball together. My soldier's oldest brother, the one whom I am closest with, plays volleyball out in California. His dad always plays along with pick-up teams. They know what they are doing.
I think the second time I saw his dad, they showed up to volleyball practice at the end to help people with their jumps and techniques. I was so embarrased and thought I would never match up to their standards, I left before they could "help" me.
As I walked on the beach with my friends today, a boy caught my eye. He was of similar height, built, and age of my soldier when we first met. And he was wearing boardshorts, which he practically lived in the summer we first met. It took me back to a simplier time, where all I thought about was what I was doing from one moment to the next. That summer holds so many perfect memories. I wish I had known then that they would mean so much to me years down the road.
I really can't explain why I miss him as much as I do tonight. I thought that if I stayed here with my friends I would be having so much fun and be so distracted from everything, that it wouldn't bother me as much. But, as it turns out, it doesn't matter where I have the fun to make a difference. Whether I am back at school or off on a vacation with my good friends, if I am having fun, I am going to wish I was having that fun with him.
I guess that is what love is.
No matter how perfect life can be, no matter how many friends you are surrounded with, no matter how many tv shows or movies or games occupy your time, if you are having fun, you are going to wish the person you love was there. Even now, after months of being apart, I still can't get used to him being gone. I hope I never get used to living my life without him here to live his next to me.
"I wonder what Piglet is doing," thought Pooh.
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too."
-Winnie the Pooh
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too."
-Winnie the Pooh
No comments:
Post a Comment