I hate to admit it, but there are days that I have to force myself to get out of bed. It takes all the strength I can find to keep going. There are times where I want to just stay in my room and not think about anything. Today is one of those days.
Some days it just knocks me off my feet. It hits me all over again that he isn't here and I feel so alone. I retreat to my bedroom so my funk doesn't rub off on anyone else. I feel as though my friends are tired of hearing about it. I can't say I blame them- I'm tired of talking about it; I'm tired of dealing with it.
It makes me feel good that my friends and family constantly ask about him. I'm so glad he is accepted by all of them. If it wasn't for my friends, I could not make it through this.
We had the longest video chat we've ever had this week. A total of 20 minutes. Although the quality was terrible and there was a delay every now and then, it was so good to see his face in real time. To see him laugh as I heard it. I don't remember the last time we were able to have a video chat. It was almost unreal to see him.
I had a long talk with his mom yesterday. She shared some stories with me I had never heard. She told me how much her son love and adored me. Hearing that from her was one of the best feelings. I could not stop smiling. It was a great gift she gave me.
Since music is a big part of my life, I've been listening to sappy songs all day. When that is mixed with hours of wedding shows has not helped me feel any better. Go figure. I guess today is just a "feel sorry for yourself" day. A mental health day; we are all entitled to those every now and then, right?
Don't get me wrong- in no way am I depressed. Quite the opposite. I am so happy with my life. I am so lucky. I am so lucky to have my friends and my family. I am so lucky to have my soldier. I am so lucky that he is safe. I am so lucky we have this love to share.
I just wish he was here. I want to walk down at the river like we so often did. I would love to go on a picnic with him. I would love to snuggle up next to him and watch nonsense television. I miss him. I can't say that enough.
Out at a party last night, I overheard a conversation between some of my friends, one of which is in the Reserves. Of course when boys get together they want to seem macho and manly and talk about blood, guts, and gore. But some of the things they were saying were really bothering me. There are times where you have to pick your battles, and I just had to walk away.
People's ignorance astounds me. They don't often take in consideration other people's feelings and emotions. They say things just to get a rise out of others. It drives me insane.
As time goes by, days seem to drag on. Sometimes I wonder if he will ever be back with me. Sometimes missing him is too hard to take. There are days where I just need to stay in my pajamas, order take out, and watch movies all day. Today is one of those days.
But tomorrow will be a new day. Tomorrow will be a new opportunity to prove that I am alright. Tomorrow I will wake up, take a deep breath, and start over. But tonight, I will lean on my friends and stay in the comfort of my own bed, where nothing else can bother me.