Lonesome

Wow- what a crazy, stressful week. Between classes, registering for new classes, tests, papers, and baking dozens of cupcakes (literally), Friday will be readily welcomed in a few short hours. And then it is off to a week away with some of my best friends. For all of  you who have been complaining about me not writing lately, you know who you are, I'm sorry! I will try to make this post worth while.

In one of my classes today, we talked about emotions. Emotions can be very powerful. Emotions can be very tough to deal with. Emotions can be hard to explain. We listened to the song 'Are you Lonesome Tonight' and made an activity from it.

Are you lonesome tonight,
do you miss me tonight?
Are you sorry we drifted apart?
Does your memory stray to a brighter sunny day
When I kissed you and called you sweetheart?
Do the chairs in your parlor seem empty and bare?
Do you gaze at your doorstep and picture me there?
Is your heart filled with pain, shall I come back again?
Tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight?
The song is very simple. The words are ones we can all understand. The feelings are all ones we have probably felt before. But our teacher wanted something more. She wanted us to relive those feelings and write it all out. "Do you miss someone?" she asked. " Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Maybe there are even things you wish you would've said to them. Write them a letter now. Tell them how much you miss them. Tell them how you feel." A simple topic for a simple song; or at least we thought.
Many people wrote to someone they had lost- a grandfather or an aunt that had passed away. I went a different route; I wrote to my soldier. There is nothing wrong with what my classmates wrote about. My grandfather passed away six years ago and I miss him dearly. But today, just like most days, my soldier was on my mind. Do you miss someone? Yes. Is there someone you wish you were with right now? Now and every day. Maybe there are even things you wish you would've said to them. I don't even know where to begin.
I found my letter very difficult to write. I always write emails to my soldier and leave him messages online. I try my best to tell him how I feel about him whenever I get a chance. He knows how deeply I care for him. But all of those letters are for him to read. When I had to write out a letter as though he wouldn't be able to read it, it was hard to really convey how I honestly feel.
The hardest part of writing it was the fact that I still have him in my life, but I can't be with him. With a death or a break-up, a person needs closure. They need to come to grips with the fact that they no longer have their loved one. They need to move on.

I can't move on.

It is so hard to know that my love is out there somewhere, but he isn't with me. It is so hard to accept the fact that I don't know when I will see him again. It is so hard to understand why we can't be together. These feelings often are associated with a death or a break-up and we, thankfully, are dealing with neither. We are just dealing with our situation. Our perpetual stance of not knowing. My classmates used their letters as a form of theraputic closure, but my letter was like pouring salt into an open wound. It reminded me how alone I feel.

I am lonesome and I miss him; tonight and every night.
I am sorry we have drifted apart, but glad we are only apart due to distance of the bodies, not of the heart.
I always think of the wonderful days we spent together, all his wonderful kisses, but I dream of the day where we are reunited.
Although I don't live by myself, my apartment seems so empty now that he is gone. He never lived here, not even in this town, but his laughter could fill an entire room, so now the halls seem empty without hearing him in the other room.
My heart has been in pain since the moment I drove away from him. I need him to come back again.
Yes, dear, I am lonesome tonight.