Wednesday, March 23, 2011

Spring Break Pt 2

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of this situation is not being understood. Of course I miss him every day we are apart, but sometimes it would be really nice to have someone to talk to. Someone to cry with. Someone who understands.
I went to bed last night early, despite my friends taunting me and begging me not to. The weight on my shoulders I carry around every day can be exhausting. The way my mind races thinking about him, what he is doing, where he might be, could wear anyone out. I find it easier to put up with people's jokes than to deal with the thoughts that are going through my mind constantly.
Often times, I feel as though people don't understand because they don't want to understand. They don't want to know how hard it can hurt to miss someone so deeply. They don't want to know what it feels like to not be able to pick up a phone and call their significant other whenever they want. They don't want to know what it is like to live their daily lives without them to share it with. And I can't blame them.
I wish I didn't know this pain, this confusion, this frustration. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate feeling alone. I hate the fact that my life is on hold until he is home with me again. I hate going to bed without hearing his voice. I miss telling him about my day. I wish there was another way to fix this void he has left. I wish, more than anything, that he was here. But he isn't, and that is just something I have to deal with until he can take my pain away.
I haven't talked to him since I came here for vacation. I have not been able to tell him about where I am, what my friends and I have been doing, all of the fun things that we have seen. I haven't heard his opinion of what I am doing. I haven't heard his laugh or his jokes or his voice.
I love the girls I am here with. We all have our different personalities and different opinions, but for the most part, we all get along. However, sometimes, when the stress of the day seems to be getting too much, I need time alone. I need to be by myself to think and to refocus my mind. I think this can be the hardest thing for them to understand. They know he is gone, they know I miss him, but they don't understand why my mood can turn sour so quickly. No one can understand unless they were going through it, too.
It upsets me that I haven't talked to him since I was here. I see my friends talking to their boyfriends. I hear their problems about them and listen to the funny stories of what they did that day. I don't have that. I don't have any funny stories to share about what my boyfriend said today. I don't get to talk about where he is on his spring break. I only can talk about the things we went through when we were together months ago. I don't hear about fun things he did that day or any of his friends. Almost all of our conversations are one-sided; I tell him what I did that day and what funny things my friends said, but he doesn't return the favor.
I am beginning to miss his friends a lot, too. I can't forget that they are gone as well. When he left, I lost his friends as well. I can't call them. I can't share our inside jokes. Our friendships weaken with each passing day. When we are all reunited, things will be different. Time will have elapsed since the last time I saw them. More than that of me and my soldier. Our bonds that were beginning to grow in the few short months that we knew each other will be changed. We will have to recreate our friendship.
Life is changed, but life will keep going. There are so many things people don't think about. There are so many things I wish I didn't have to think about. But the truth is, I do. This is my reality. This is our life, until he comes home.

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