Thursday, October 27, 2011

High and Low

I have not written in a long time (well....a week). I just don't have much motivation left in me. It has been a tough week filled with emotional highs and lows. But the good thing is...
I talked to Sweet Boy twice this week! I don't remember the last time we did that. Back in early August maybe? And here we are, almost at the end of October. Time flies.
It was so wonderful to hear Sweet Boy's voice. I talked to him Friday and we tried to catch up as quickly as we could in the 13 minutes we had to talk. He told me how much he missed me and I talked to him about me moving up near him this summer before we get married and we move in together. He got very excited.
And then he called again last night! My phone was on the table and I heard it as I was coming downstairs but didn't get to it in time. It was from a weird area code and didn't think anything of it...until they called again. When I answered, I heard the sweet words "hey finance" and I felt like I was floating on air. He sounded so wonderful. We fell right back to how we would talk normally after he got off work. For the first time in 4 months, we felt normal. Even if it was only for 7 minutes. We talked and joked and caught up on things. Right before he got off the phone he said, "this is the final stretch babe. I'm coming home". We should talk in about a week or so and then hopefully see each other not long after that! I'm so ready for training to be over so I can kiss that handsome face of his.

As for the lows of my week...well, I don't think I am ready to talk about those quite yet. Things aren't sorted out in my head yet and I need to get through this weekend first. I have some big decisions to make soon, though. It is all so stressful. Even more so when I don't have my love to talk it out with. I'm counting down the days until we are a couple again.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm Tired

I'm tired of everything right now. I'm ready for a change in my life. I feel like I do the same thing, day after day, and it gets me no where.

I'm tired of listening to people's "drama". The things people complain about these days are so trivial. There are real people suffering from real problems out there (and no, I am not referring to my self as having real problems).  To have to sit and listen to people say the same thing over and over again is driving me insane. I'm trying to give you the best advice I can. If you don't want to listen to me or put my advice into action, don't come and ask for advice. You obviously don't want my help.

I'm tired of playing the guessing game. I don't even bother trying to figure out what Sweet Boy is doing or when he will come home. I've stopped planning every possible outcome I could think of so I could be prepared, just to have another outcome be thrown at me that I had no clue was possible.

I'm tired of being stuck in this small town that has nothing for me. Most of my friends have graduated or moved off by now. I don't feel that strong connection or bond here I once felt. I feel like my life has moved on beyond this town, but somehow I am still stuck here. Like my feet are in puddles of tar while I watch my life pass before me.

I'm tired of planning this wedding without my fiance. What part of "it's his wedding, too" do people not understand? Sure, he may not care about the colors of the flowers or where the cake is placed, but he does actually care about some things and wants to have an input on the day that will join us forever. In his last letter, he wrote about how ready he is to get home to help me plan because he feels like he is missing out on so much. Does that sound like an "uninvolved groom" to you?

I'm tired of feeling like I can't make a decision before I ask six people first. I'm ready to take my life in my own hands. I don't care what people think. I know what is best for me. It's time I took it in my own hands and do what I want to do. I'm also tired of feeling like I need to meet some sort of approval or else I'll be judged by people.

I'm tired missing my Sweet Boy. I want to be closer to him. I want to be able to see him on a regular basis. I don't want to plan out everything in advance and make sure it fits in with everyone else's schedule. I should be able to see him when I want, not when it is a more convenient time for someone else.

I'm tired of feeling lost and not knowing where I am going with my life. I can see the big picture and it looks wonderful. I can see me and Sweet Boy living in our own house, away from everyone else, raising a family, and loving one another forever. What I can't see is the little picture; the month to month picture.  I can't see how this is all going to work out in the end.

Basically, I need to put on my big girl pants and make some real decisions. And fast.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Fair Play

Growing up, South Carolina was a huge part of my family life. My mom grew up there and basically all of her family still lived there after she moved away. We had season tickets to watch the University of South Carolina football team. When we were younger, we went to every home game and a good amount of the away games. I could practically do that drive with my eyes closed by the time I was 12. I'd say we went to Columbia, South Carolina at least 10-15 times a year. That's a lot.
There was also a part of South Carolina we looked forward to every year. We would count down to it. We would talk about it for weeks and the entire 3.5 hour long drive up there. There's just something about it. Some sort of magic behind it.
The state fair.
If it wasn't the rides, it was the food, or the exhibits, or the people watching. We loved going to the fair when we were younger. My brothers and I would ride as many rides as we could, the ones we were tall enough for anyway. We would eat all the food our stomachs could hold. My personal favorite were the vinegar fries and the elephant ears. My mouth is still watering.
Slowly, we all got busier and we stopped going to the fair as much. I missed it a lot, especially after my grandfather passed away. We all had some special memories from the fair.
Well, this weekend, we went back! My parents met me, my middle brother, and his wife in South Carolina again. We all went to the fair to relive old times. The food was the same. The rides were the same. The smells were the same.
But this year, something was different. There was a new exhibit. The "Traveling World Trade Memorial" made its way to the state fair. I was taken aback when I saw it. Right there between the funnel cakes and the cotton candy what this glimmer of the past that took my breath away. We walked right by the tent and made our way to get some pronto pups (a glorified version of corn dogs) and no one seemed to pay it any attention. Except for me and my dad.
As we sat and ate our "dinner", we talked about what we wanted to do next. I wanted to go see the memorial. Everyone else blew it off. Except for my daddy. "You know," he told everyone, "that is the reason her future husband does what he does. If she wants to go see it, we should." My brother and his wife decided to do something else, but Daddy was adamant about going with me.
In the memorial, there were pictures of those we lost. Even posters of the missing the families put up right after the attacks. There were videos streaming from that day. Videos of the planes hitting, the towers falling, the people running for their lives. I think the most interesting part of the memorial was the things they found in the debris: a keyboard, a destroyed pay phone, smashed police car doors, parts of the plane. The actual plane that hit the towers. I think that was most shocking of it all.
It was a very odd feeling being in there, seeing all this stuff ten years later. Ten years and you could still feel the emotion; still feel the pain. There was a father behind me with two kids, probably in late elementary school. He was explaining everything to them. "This started the fighting," he told them. It gave me chills. This is why we are fighting. Right here in front of me. This started it all, and I'm looking at it. This realization sat heavy in my chest.
I'm glad we went. I'm glad I got to see all of this with my own eyes. I'm glad my parents were with me. They knew how important it was to me to go there. It was good to have support with me as I experienced that.
And my daddy? He held my hand the whole time.
I love that man.

Thursday, October 13, 2011


People have been checking up on me and making sure everything is going okay since right after Sweet Boy left. I've been getting Facebook comments, text messages, and the occasional phone call from Sweet Boy's friends and family. It is so good to know that they are looking after me. Sweet Boy has wonderful friends. They take care of me. They tell me how much they miss him too. That makes me feel a lot better. I don't feel so alone.

I have been overwhelmed by the support I have been given. The comments I have gotten mean so much to me, I can't even explain it. This military community has a unique way of embracing one another and I am so thankful for that. I wish I could call each one of you up and personally thank you. Especially Megan at To Love a Soldier who brought almost all of you to me when I needed it.

Megan had a giveaway a few weeks back and I was the lucky winner. The book came in the mail today, right when I needed it. I am so excited to read this book and grow in my faith and in my journey as I become an Army Wife. It is people like Megan and another blogger Jane (who I had a conversation with at 3 this morning) that make things so much easier. They make me feel welcome in this life and like I'm not alone.

I got a letter from Sweet Boy today. A few weeks without hearing from him, and I couldn't stop shaking the whole way from the mailbox to my living room. I would have sat down and read it right by the mailbox if I didn't think I would looked crazy. Tears streamed down my face as I read his sweet words. Words of reassurance I really needed to hear. He told me how much he missed me. How things aren't right without me. How excited he is about this upcoming wedding and how he is ready for a baby (don't worry, that's a long way down the line).
I'm so glad to hear that he is doing better than the last time we talked. He sounds so good. He makes me feel so lucky. And he says he's the proud one. If he only knew.

"The fact that you've put up with me and this army stuff still amazes me...I miss you so much it hurts...I need to get this done and get back where I belong, with you." How can you not love that?

Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thanks to my school's fall break, I am now home and have been for a few days. It's been nice to recharge my batteries and spend time with my parents and some friends. I even finally got to ask all of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding! Everything has been fine, but I'm just....lonely.
It's now been a week since I have heard from Sweet Boy and over a month since I got to see him for those magical four hours. It feels so much longer. It feels like a year.
Everyone tells me they don't know how I do it. They don't know how I make it through every day and week and sometimes more without talking to him. They say that I am strong; that I am brave. I don't feel very strong or brave tonight.
I feel beaten down.
I can't explain why it has hit me so terribly tonight. I had a wonderful day shopping and doing crafts with my mom. We got some quality girl time in. But now all I can focus on is how miserable I feel. I feel helpless. So alone. I feel like this is never going to end. I feel like things won't be normal again.
I hear about how hard military marriages are. I hear it from my friends, I see it in military groups I am in, I read it online. It makes me very nervous. I feel like the odds are stacked against us before we even start our lives together.
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when we are finally together again. And I don't mean for a weekend, but really together. Will I remember what it is like to be around him? Will I remember what to do? How to act? Will we be the people we fell in love with?
I've been having trouble sleeping. It's almost like I can't bring myself to actually fall asleep for fear I might miss his phone call. That's pretty much impossible. I know he can only call once every few weeks. It's only been a week. I can't get my hopes up.
This whole weekend, I've been thinking about what we would be doing if he was here with me. It is too hard to come home without him sometimes. I have way too many memories with him back 6 or 7 years. I read the letters he wrote me from boot camp. That just makes it worse.
I'm so tired of the military taking him away from me. I've tried to stretch my arms to make them long enough to meet him, but they just aren't long enough.
I want things to feel normal again...and not the kind of "normal" we've been dealing with for the past few months of only getting 3 or 4 letters from him in a month. Sometimes no letters for a month. I'm ready for the day when I can finally roll over and see him. The day where I can reach out and touch him. The day when the military is just a faint memory.

Thursday, October 6, 2011

What's your song?

Thursday? Already? 
Time to link up with Goodnight Moon again!

My song this week is a little
out of character
and possibly mildly

But that's why I love it!

I'm going home this weekend
to see my BFF's
and ask them 
to be in the 

This song is dedicated
to my BFF Kalee
because we used to 
ride around on the weekends
to this song.

Oh, highschool.

Tuesday, October 4, 2011

You'll be in my dreams

A few weeks ago, I wrote about how I lost two friends a few years back. You can read that post here. A.J., a good friend of mine, died of cancer when he was just 18 years old. Well guess what; he came to me in my dreams last night.

I was going over to my friend's house here at school and I walked in and A.J. was sitting there, like it was completely normal. He gave me a huge hug and I just couldn't let him go. We all hung out and played around at my friend's house, but I just kept looking at A.J.; I wanted to take him in as much as I could. We talked about the cupcakes I brought over and he asked what I was selling them for. "For breast cancer research for my aunt who was diagnosed a few months back," I told him. I can't describe the look on his face. It was a mixture between pride and pain. We had never talked about his cancer before, even though it was ever-present. The dream was over shortly after.

It was so good to see him again. To touch him again. To hear his voice again. I hope that him coming to me was a sign. A sign that he's okay now. A sign that I'm doing something good. We can all do our part to help cancer research so amazingly brave and wonderful people like A.J. don't have to leave this world before their time.

After my dream I laid in bed wide awake trying to hold onto it. Trying to remember every detail. Everything he said to me. I knew I had to write it out so I could remember. Thanks for reading along.
You are welcome in my dreams anytime, A.J.

Saturday, October 1, 2011

Welcome, Fall!

Today turned out to be pretty good. I got to sleep in for the first time in a very long time and the roommate was gone most of the day so I got to roam around the house all by myself (not that I don't love my roomie, but we can all use some alone time every now and then). I opened up all the windows in the house and cut off the air conditioning for the first time since we've lived was magical. 
I also got to do two of my favorite things today: watch Carolina football and watch Hocus Pocus..aka the greatest movie ever. If you haven't seen it, I suggest you get up right now and go rent it. You won't regret it. I've been obsessed with this movie since I was little and when I was a freshman in college, my mom sent me the DVD in a carepackage and it has turned into a tradition to watch it October 1st of each year. It just isn't October until I watch that movie! And of course it isn't fall in the south until football is on your TV.
I'm still just super bummed about Sweet Boy. I feel so helpless. He sounded so depressed. I kept asking if there was anything I could do or if he wanted anything. "Just you," he kept saying and it nearly broke my heart. He was supposed to be done last week and now it will be at least 6 more weeks. I had to tell his family today so they could plan accordingly. His parents had already planned their trip from Washington state and were really looking forward to it; now I'm not sure if that will happen anymore which is really upsetting because Sweet Boy hasn't seen his parents in over a year. Just so sad. Things just get so complicated sometimes, but I guess that is the military lifestyle that I am about to marry into so I might as well get used to it.
I know that there is a plan for us. I struggle to accept it sometimes, but I know it is true. As much as I complain, I know things could be a lot worse. There is another bout of separation looming over us soon after he returns (but hopefully it won't be quite as long this time) and it is just really kicking me in the gut. I hate being away from him. I envy anyone who gets a phone call from their significant others these days. A five minute phone call every few weeks is just not enough time. And letters can only get you so far. I try to write him and tell him what's going on in my life, but I know that most of it is so insignificant that by the time he gets the letter (or sometimes before the letter even makes it to the mailbox) it is over and I've moved on to some other thing. I don't know how my grandmother dealt with a war for about a year and only could write letters to my grandfather. I don't know if I could have done it. I guess we all have to find our own strength sometimes.

As I was watching football today, I thought about the only football game Sweet Boy and I were able to see together. That was such a fun day weekend. I'm glad we have those memories and I hope that maybe when we are married we can finally enjoy football together...maybe.

Throwback picture of our football game together. We look gross, sweaty, tired, and still so happy to be together. I love this boy.