Friday, May 20, 2011

I wasn't prepared...

I wasn't prepared for this life. No one sat me down and told me how things worked. No one told me what to expect. I had to learn how to be a military girlfriend all on my own. I didn't know what I was getting myself into when I agreed to date him. 
I wasn't prepared for him to leave. I knew from the beginning that he was going to leave. We even knew the projected date. I thought everything would go on as normal, we just wouldn't see each other. I had done a long distance relationship before. I knew the whole time this relationship between my soldier and I would be long distance, but I didn't know how bad it would hurt when I drove away from him knowing he was leaving in a week and not knowing when I would see him again.
I wasn't prepared for the first time I went out without him. I wasn't ready for the snide remarks people made when they found out I was going out with friends. I didn't know how torn I would be between my decision of going out or staying in. It seemed as though everyone had an opinion of what I should be doing to handle myself and they never seemed to be the same opinions I had.
I wasn't prepared for the first time I was hit on by a guy after my soldier left. Even after I told him I had a boyfriend and he found out what he did, he wouldn't give up. He told me I had a better chance to be with him because I didn't know if my soldier would come back to me. What a great pick up line. I can't even describe my anger from that night. 
I wasn't prepared to go to an extended family function without him. I had to try to answer all their questions that followed the "Where is your boyfriend?" question. My stomach turned with each one. I didn't have many answers and what I did know, I didn't feel like telling them. I ended up avoiding the majority of people that night just so I didn't have to constantly explain why I was alone.
I wasn't prepared to wake up in the middle of the night from a terrifying dream only to realize I was hugging onto a pillow. I felt broken when I wanted to reach for my phone and call him to get some reassurance, but knew I couldn't. There were countless nights where I laid awake wondering where he was and what he may be doing. And I had to get up the next morning and act like nothing was wrong. I didn't expect that feeling of helplessness.
I wasn't prepared for the amount of tears that streamed down my face the first time I saw a man in uniform. I searched his face to see if I could catch a glimpse of familiarity. I turned around and scanned the crowd around me, hoping my soldier had come home early. In those short moments that felt like hours, all I could hear was the sound of my heart beating in my ears. This was not my soldier. It wasn't our time yet. I had to keep waiting.
I wasn't prepared when one of my best friend's father passed away. I had to face it alone. I had to go to her house and try my best to be a pillar of strength for her and the rest of her family, when I had nothing to help back me up. My comfort and strength was thousands of miles away, but I still had to be strong for that family. I had to keep going.
But through all of this, I wasn't prepared for how much our relationship would grow. I didn't know how much we took for granted until it was all gone. No longer was I mad when he didn't call me when he said he would. I had almost forgotten how funny he was and how much we had in common. I've grown to love the sound of his voice even more now that I don't hear it as much as I had hoped.
I wasn't prepared for how deeply I would fall in love with him while he was gone. I didn't know how much someone could be missed. I didn't know how badly it would hurt to be separated. I didn't know the strength we had to keep our love going, even in the hardest times.
I love my boyfriend very much and although I could have never been prepared for this life, I wouldn't give it up.


  1. Reading this was like a look into my past. I was in your same position about 5 years ago. Stay strong and don't let people's comments stop you from doing what you need to do to be strong for your soldier. I wouldn't change living through the deployment b/c it made our love nearly invincible. We have been married for 3 years and there is a level of trust between us that is so much more than other couples around b/c during the long distance we developed a level of trust so deep. Trust that I was true to him (even with the cheesey pick up lines), trust that he would come back to me, trust that this is what was meant to be for us. I heartache is only temporary, the love is what lasts forever! Stay strong!

  2. Thank you so much! It is always nice to hear stories from people who were once in this situation. This community has really embraced and supported me and I am so thankful. He is worth the wait and if some people can't see how I can put up with the temporary separation, then that is their problem! Thanks for reading.