This is a post that many people may not agree with, but it is how I often times feel.
It feels so easy to forget about what is going on in the world. My soldier is home. He is safe.
For many months, I sat up at night and wondered what the next day would bring us. When phone calls were cut short, I prayed I would get another one. When I knew he was going out in the field, I held my breath until I knew he was okay. I went through all of that, and I survived.
Now that he is home, it is like those nights weren't real. Like it was a movie I watched, not how my life really was. It doesn't seem as though that was me crying until there were no tears left in me to cry. It doesn't seem like that was me sleeping with my phone in my hands, waiting to hear from him. But it was.
It is so easy to pick up right where we left off and continue living our lives together. It is easy to forget the hardships that we went through, not knowing when we would see each other again. Sometimes, the concept of "war" doesn't seem to be real. When I look at him, at his sweet face and those beautiful eyes, I don't think of the horrific things he has seen; I think of the lives we are building and the things we will see together.
When we lost those men last week, it all became real again. Luckily, my soldier was with me. He was safe. I was the one to tell him the news as he and my brother sat and played video games. He quickly brushed it off, until I told him the amount of people that were killed, and who they were. Suddenly, we weren't so carefree anymore. It felt like the room was closing in around us.
When we met up with the rest of my family that day, no one spoke a word of it - but they all knew. No one knew how to bring it up to us. We didn't know how to bring it up to anyone. All we knew was we wanted some answers, but we couldn't find them.
I looked at my soldier through new eyes that day. "It could have been him" rang through my mind constantly. That could have been my door the men in uniform were knocking at. It could have been any one of our friends whose family now had to make funeral plans. Thank God it wasn't. But I'm still so sorry it happened at all.
That night, as my soldier sat on the edge of my bed in my brother's guestroom, holding my hand until I fell asleep, I cried. I cried until I couldn't take it any more. I cried until my body gave into sleep. It was the fear of knowing that I could have lost the love of my life, and the sheer guilt and grief over others losing someone so dear to them.
Right now my soldier is safe. I still hear from him about once or twice a day, skipping a few days here and there. But I know he will leave again before we are used to having him home. And we will once again be faced with the idea that someone could knock on my door at any moment to tell me he isn't coming home. I'm scared to lose him. I'm scared to move forward. The world is a scary place right now. I just want things to stay the same where I know he is safe and I know he will be coming home to me soon.
Isn't that what every one wants?
Lord, bless all the military men and women out there fighting for our country and fighting for our freedom. Bless their families who are putting on a brave face on the home front. Be with the families who are now facing the dreaded notion of continuing their lives without their loved ones. Bring them all home. Keep them all safe. Amen.