I have made a lot of changes in my life this week. Both personal and educational changes. I feel good about them all, but there are certainly times that I wish he could be here to make them with me. The trouble with not talking to him every day is that I feel left out on my own with no help. Sure I have my friends and family to talk to, but it just isn't the same as talking to him. I really miss his compainionship.
I always have to remind myself how completely lucky I am to have him in my life. He makes everything so much better.
There are often questions I get about my situation. Most of them are expected, but some really hurt. People don't often understand why I do this. It isn't because I enjoy being alone or because I only like being in a relationship just for the title. It is so much more than that. This is my life now. I didn't choose it, it chose me. But I wouldn't trade it for anything. This is my chance to answer some of the questions I often get. The people who ask them usually catch me off guard and I don't get to explain myself.
Why are you with him if he isn't here?
I made this decision. I knew full and well that one day he wouldn't always be around when I needed him. I knew there would be long nights when missing him would seem to be too much to take. I knew I would have big milestones and events come up that he should be here for but couldn't come. I knew all of these things. But I also knew how much I cared for him and how I can't see me without him. Even if he can't physically be here when I need him, I know he is always supporting me in everything I do, much like how I always support him.
Aren't you afriad he won't come back?
Of course I am afraid. That thought is always in the back of my head, but that is just where I keep it; in the back of my mind. I don't like to think of it. I try the best I can to stay positive and not think that way. I know he is going to do all that he can to come back to me, and it is my job to be waiting for him when he does.
How can you support what he does for a living?
How can you NOT support it? I have always supported America and our freedom. Why should I stop now, especially when I care so deeply about someone who is willing to fight for it?
I know how you feel. My boyfriend and I have been really busy and we haven't seen each other in two days!
(Yes, this isn't a question, but I get different versions of this a lot.) First of all, you don't know how I feel. You still have the option of seeing him if you really could. Or you can at least talk to him on days you can't see him. I don't have this luxury. I don't have the opportunity of seeing him when I want. I don't even have the chance to talk to him everyday. All I have, is a phone where he can reach me and the hope that maybe tonight might be the night he calls. I can't even call to vent to him when I am having a bad day. I'm sorry you can't see your boyfriend as much as you would like, but don't tell me you and I are on the same level.
I know people are just curious and I usually don't mind talking about our situation, but sometimes people can be so insinsitive. I don't want a pity party. I just want some understanding as to why people's words can hurt me. I have to deal with this every day. There is no part of me that feels as though I made the wrong decision, but if I had the choice, I would want him here more than you can imagine.
That's all I have for tonight. I'm sorry if I seem harsh or mean at any point. But this is me. This is who I am. Although things aren't always easy, I'd rather have my man in my life than anyone else. I can get through this. Why, you may ask? Because love conquers all.