Saturday, February 26, 2011

How I keep going

I lean on my friends a lot these days. I don't know how I could make it through certain times without them. They are my rock when everything seems to be slipping away. My soldier is the reason I get up every morning, my friends are the reason I can keep going.
A dear, sweet friend of mine sent me a message today. We are in the same position and what she said to me really hit close to home.
My friend spent the night last night.. and I can't decide which is worse- sleeping alone at night or waking up several times in the middle of the night and getting excited just to remind yourself that it's not him :( -- loneliest night yet.
"Loneliest night yet." I know how that feels. Many nights have seemed as though they are the loneliest times I could have ever imagined. Her simple message helped me to remember that I am not alone. Even if he is gone, I am always surrounded by my friends.
My great-uncle, Alfred, died last night. He was 96 years old and led a good life. His passing got me thinking of things he had seen in his life. All the wonderful things, and all of the heartbreaking things. He and his wife were just months short of their 75th wedding anniversary--a feat that is not common by any standards. I think of how much communication developed over his lifetime. People once had to sit and wait by the mailbox, hoping every day they would get a letter from their loved one. Boy, how times have changed.
I carry my phone around like a security blanket. Once it reaches a certain time of the day, I hardly let it out of my sight. My phone is both a symbol of comfort, and a form of torture. I have to fight the urge to check it every five minutes. I often find myself staring at it, wondering where he may be tonight.
He already called me today. I was leaving my friend's house and my phone was about to die and I had to rush home and let my dog out. I asked him to call me back in five minutes and he said he would. Here it is nearly two hours later, and I am still waiting. I'm kicking myself for not being able to talk to him when he called. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't choosing not to call me back. I know there is some reason as to why my phone hasn't rung, but it doesn't make the pain go away.
We got to talk for a long time last night. Hearing his voice just always makes it better. I can't explain it. Just talking to him makes me feel warm and safe. But for now, I will have to settle into my cold and lonely room for the night and hope for a contversation tomorrow. Hope keeps me going.

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