Thanks to my school's fall break, I am now home and have been for a few days. It's been nice to recharge my batteries and spend time with my parents and some friends. I even finally got to ask all of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding! Everything has been fine, but I'm just....lonely.
It's now been a week since I have heard from Sweet Boy and over a month since I got to see him for those magical four hours. It feels so much longer. It feels like a year.
Everyone tells me they don't know how I do it. They don't know how I make it through every day and week and sometimes more without talking to him. They say that I am strong; that I am brave. I don't feel very strong or brave tonight.
I feel beaten down.
I can't explain why it has hit me so terribly tonight. I had a wonderful day shopping and doing crafts with my mom. We got some quality girl time in. But now all I can focus on is how miserable I feel. I feel helpless. So alone. I feel like this is never going to end. I feel like things won't be normal again.
I hear about how hard military marriages are. I hear it from my friends, I see it in military groups I am in, I read it online. It makes me very nervous. I feel like the odds are stacked against us before we even start our lives together.
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when we are finally together again. And I don't mean for a weekend, but really together. Will I remember what it is like to be around him? Will I remember what to do? How to act? Will we be the people we fell in love with?
I've been having trouble sleeping. It's almost like I can't bring myself to actually fall asleep for fear I might miss his phone call. That's pretty much impossible. I know he can only call once every few weeks. It's only been a week. I can't get my hopes up.
This whole weekend, I've been thinking about what we would be doing if he was here with me. It is too hard to come home without him sometimes. I have way too many memories with him here...dating back 6 or 7 years. I read the letters he wrote me from boot camp. That just makes it worse.
I'm so tired of the military taking him away from me. I've tried to stretch my arms to make them long enough to meet him, but they just aren't long enough.
I want things to feel normal again...and not the kind of "normal" we've been dealing with for the past few months of only getting 3 or 4 letters from him in a month. Sometimes no letters for a month. I'm ready for the day when I can finally roll over and see him. The day where I can reach out and touch him. The day when the military is just a faint memory.