Sunday, October 9, 2011

Thanks to my school's fall break, I am now home and have been for a few days. It's been nice to recharge my batteries and spend time with my parents and some friends. I even finally got to ask all of my bridesmaids to be in the wedding! Everything has been fine, but I'm just....lonely.
It's now been a week since I have heard from Sweet Boy and over a month since I got to see him for those magical four hours. It feels so much longer. It feels like a year.
Everyone tells me they don't know how I do it. They don't know how I make it through every day and week and sometimes more without talking to him. They say that I am strong; that I am brave. I don't feel very strong or brave tonight.
I feel beaten down.
I can't explain why it has hit me so terribly tonight. I had a wonderful day shopping and doing crafts with my mom. We got some quality girl time in. But now all I can focus on is how miserable I feel. I feel helpless. So alone. I feel like this is never going to end. I feel like things won't be normal again.
I hear about how hard military marriages are. I hear it from my friends, I see it in military groups I am in, I read it online. It makes me very nervous. I feel like the odds are stacked against us before we even start our lives together.
Sometimes I wonder what it will be like when we are finally together again. And I don't mean for a weekend, but really together. Will I remember what it is like to be around him? Will I remember what to do? How to act? Will we be the people we fell in love with?
I've been having trouble sleeping. It's almost like I can't bring myself to actually fall asleep for fear I might miss his phone call. That's pretty much impossible. I know he can only call once every few weeks. It's only been a week. I can't get my hopes up.
This whole weekend, I've been thinking about what we would be doing if he was here with me. It is too hard to come home without him sometimes. I have way too many memories with him back 6 or 7 years. I read the letters he wrote me from boot camp. That just makes it worse.
I'm so tired of the military taking him away from me. I've tried to stretch my arms to make them long enough to meet him, but they just aren't long enough.
I want things to feel normal again...and not the kind of "normal" we've been dealing with for the past few months of only getting 3 or 4 letters from him in a month. Sometimes no letters for a month. I'm ready for the day when I can finally roll over and see him. The day where I can reach out and touch him. The day when the military is just a faint memory.


  1. I wish so much you were closer! I would so be knocking on your door with a bottle of wine right now. Those nights are the worst. Everything will work out lovely though, and once you two are back together it will be like you never were apart. It just sucks that they can't live our lives with us all the time. Lots of hugs!

  2. I used to always be confused about where this "loneliness" came from when it would hit me out of nowhere. I realized it always comes on my BEST days - when I had a really good time with friends, or found an AWESOME dress on sale, or found a really great new restaurant. It came on those days because when they were coming to a close I wanted to TELL him and I couldn't. I wanted to SHOW him what I bought and I couldn't. I wanted to make plans to go eat at that new place and knew that wasn't possible. It hits on the good days because those are the days you want to share.

    Cate, there are no odds stacked against you. You have one of the BEST things you can have going into this. You KNOW this is hard. You won't get slapped with the reality of this life. You have the support around you of those who have BEEN there - and it doesn't matter if it's online or in person - support is support and it's vital. You have no idea how much the odds are in YOUR favor because of how open you have been about all of this. When it all comes down to it there is just one thing to do - LOVE him. The rest can be put aside, everything else falls into place if you just love him.

    Your book should arrive any day and I am working on your special gift this week. I am just embarrassingly excited about it. I hope you are too!

  3. I agree with above. There are no odds against you. This can be done and you have what it takes! It's all about love, sometimes it sucks more than anything, but those amazing times, they more than make up for it.
    It's ok to feel sad for a period. Let yourself feel it. It wouldn't be normal if you never did. Then pick yourself and remember how good it WILL Be. Don't scare yourself with what the internet or other wives tell you might happen when he is home, wait and see what happens. Whatever it is, you can get through it.
    Take care!

  4. Hi,

    I'm a friend of "To Love A Soldier." I saw your blog linked in her blog post today. I read a few of your blog posts, and I think I know exactly where your fiance is and what that's like! If your fiance is where I think he is, my husband and I just went through the same thing recently. I know how you feel!! I do. I will be thinking of you and praying for you. This experience will prepare you for so many other things, and so many other Army experiences will be "easy" in light of this one. I had a "love/hate" relationship with the Army during that time, but it was definitely way more "hate" than love. However, in some ways I'm so thankful for that now. God got us both through that time and strengthened both of us. I still carry lessons in my heart that I learned unknowingly and knowingly through that time. I still carry some of the pain too. There is a light at the end of every long tunnel, and this too shall soon be past! Your whole Army career will not be like this. That was one of my main worries and burdens that I carried. Each day seems like this waiting game that seems like FOREVER. Anyway, I will be praying for you and your heart during this time! Anyway, Im not technically sure where your husband is... but it sounds a lot like a familiar place to me!

    Prayers and blessings~
    Danielle B.

  5. To Love a Soldier is completely right: it's those best days, those most wonderful moments, that you naturally want to share with your best friend...and can't. I find those terribly bittersweet--grateful for the joy that comes from them, but sick at heart that he misses living it with me. Most of the time, those are moments where my daughter does something so precious. But, I just try to write it down and tell him about it. It's not the real thing, but it's something and I feel he doesn't completely miss it.

    And you can do this. You are realistic, which is an admirable trait. You know this life is tough--but it's not impossible. You know the odds are high--but not stacked against you. Even on the toughest days, I would commit to my Soldier all over again. He's so worth it. That's the key: focusing not on the struggles as an end, but on making it through the struggles for him as an end.

    You can do this. It's not always easy, it's not always beautiful, but it's worth it. I promise.

  6. Thank you, everyone! I am so blessed to have such a wonderful support system. I finally heard from Sweet Boy and things are looking up. I still miss him, but it makes everything so worth it. Thanks again!