Thursday, October 20, 2011

I'm Tired

I'm tired of everything right now. I'm ready for a change in my life. I feel like I do the same thing, day after day, and it gets me no where.

I'm tired of listening to people's "drama". The things people complain about these days are so trivial. There are real people suffering from real problems out there (and no, I am not referring to my self as having real problems).  To have to sit and listen to people say the same thing over and over again is driving me insane. I'm trying to give you the best advice I can. If you don't want to listen to me or put my advice into action, don't come and ask for advice. You obviously don't want my help.

I'm tired of playing the guessing game. I don't even bother trying to figure out what Sweet Boy is doing or when he will come home. I've stopped planning every possible outcome I could think of so I could be prepared, just to have another outcome be thrown at me that I had no clue was possible.

I'm tired of being stuck in this small town that has nothing for me. Most of my friends have graduated or moved off by now. I don't feel that strong connection or bond here I once felt. I feel like my life has moved on beyond this town, but somehow I am still stuck here. Like my feet are in puddles of tar while I watch my life pass before me.

I'm tired of planning this wedding without my fiance. What part of "it's his wedding, too" do people not understand? Sure, he may not care about the colors of the flowers or where the cake is placed, but he does actually care about some things and wants to have an input on the day that will join us forever. In his last letter, he wrote about how ready he is to get home to help me plan because he feels like he is missing out on so much. Does that sound like an "uninvolved groom" to you?

I'm tired of feeling like I can't make a decision before I ask six people first. I'm ready to take my life in my own hands. I don't care what people think. I know what is best for me. It's time I took it in my own hands and do what I want to do. I'm also tired of feeling like I need to meet some sort of approval or else I'll be judged by people.

I'm tired missing my Sweet Boy. I want to be closer to him. I want to be able to see him on a regular basis. I don't want to plan out everything in advance and make sure it fits in with everyone else's schedule. I should be able to see him when I want, not when it is a more convenient time for someone else.

I'm tired of feeling lost and not knowing where I am going with my life. I can see the big picture and it looks wonderful. I can see me and Sweet Boy living in our own house, away from everyone else, raising a family, and loving one another forever. What I can't see is the little picture; the month to month picture.  I can't see how this is all going to work out in the end.

Basically, I need to put on my big girl pants and make some real decisions. And fast.

1 comment:

  1. I so agree with you about everything. Right before Daniel deployed we got a lot of people telling us we should get pregnant right then, it was perfect timing. Umm, what?! It's his baby too, he wants to be involved during the pregnancy and the birth. Plus, I want him holding my hair while I puke. lol I don't know why people don't see that you guys are partners, and the wedding is a big deal. Why would he not want to be a part of his own wedding? That's just pure and simple crazy talk. And, it doesn't make you feel any better. Hugs!