I've really lost my motivation to blog recently. I would go to write stuff out, but ended up deleting it. Nothing ever sounded right. Nothing was what I actually wanted to talk about.

I could write about the girl who complained to me last week about her failed relationship with a traveling musician. The one who made the comment, "you're lucky...at least you know where he is and he isn't sleeping in another girl's bed". I sat there floored and blankly replied, "but at least he wasn't getting shot at every day".

I could write about the daily comments I get about how people don't know how I go on day after day without Sweet Boy. How one of my friends made the comment of "your long distance relationship shouldn't be called a long distance relationship...they should have a whole different category for it." You would think these comments would build me up, make me feel stronger in my relationship; but they don't.

I could write on and on about all of that, but I won't. I have bigger things to worry about these days.

My parents and I have made the decision that I will be taking off next semester to come home, save money, and plan my wedding. In 6 weeks, I will be leaving the college town I have grown to know over the past 3 or 4 years. I'll be leaving my school, my comfort zone, and my friends. It is so fast and completely bittersweet that I cannot wrap my head around it.
I am ready to go home, ready for a break, ready to be around people where I can complain and talk about Sweet Boy as much as I want and they won't judge me or get annoyed. I'm ready to be Daddy's little girl for just a little while longer. I'm ready to be at the beach and in my own room and with everything that I grew up loving.
But I wish I could stay. I wanted to be in this town so badly for so long. I was ready for my independence. I was ready to go out and make new friends and make a life for myself. I'm not ready to leave that all behind. In a year, yes; but not in six weeks.

I'm worried about how I will tell my friends I am leaving. I am worried about being judged. I'm worried that they think that I am leaving only because I am engaged and never to be heard from again. I'm scared of losing my friends who don't understand that I am making this hard decision based on what is right for me, and for my  future husband.

This has been a hard decision. I've thought about it. I've cried about it. I've prayed about it. And honestly, I feel relieved that I finally have an answer. I finally know where I am going, what I am doing. I don't feel like I am floating around and not sure of where my life is going anymore. I could always see the big picture, but now I see how I am getting there.

The hardest part of all of this was deciding it for my own. I couldn't bounce ideas off anyone. I couldn't vent about it and then change my mind the next day. And, most of all, I couldn't tell Sweet Boy.

That's right. He doesn't know. This will be a big change for us, but we can do it. Plus, now I will actually have time to plan my our wedding. What can be better than that? Well, nothing, besides having him home next to me. Thinking about all of this makes me miss him even more than normal. "We're on the final stretch," he told me a week ago. Now I just have to keep busy until he comes home...and figure out how I'm gonna drop this bombshell on him. Wish me luck.