The Waiting Game

My life is a constant emotional rollercoaster. One moment I am having a great time with my friends, the next, I am fighting back tears. It's not fun. It's not fair. I hate it.
The one thing that seems to set me off the most is being out with my friends and see random couples. Random couples, who I don't know, yet I envy them. They get to go to concerts together. They get to eat dinner together. They get to walk down the street holding hands. Simple things that others so often take for granted.
I wish we were a normal couple. I wish we could do all the fun things together. I want to go to the movies with him. I want to cook dinner for him. I want to be able to kiss him. I want to be able to look at his face in person.
Even now, sitting here typing, I am fighting back the tears. I am hours away from putting this month behind me, and that should make me feel better, but it doesn't. It doesn't make me feel better that I have a running tab on how much time we haven't spent together. It doesn't make me feel better to know that I still have so much more to face without him.
It is so strange to think back on all the things he missed this month. He missed my birthday. It still feels weird. Almost as though my birthday didn't actually happen; almost like it was just another day. I went on spring break and saw some amazing things. I had a very close friend lose her father. He wasn't here for any of that. He couldn't experience it with me. He couldn't see my emotions. He mainly could only read about them. And that hurts.
I haven't heard from him in a while. All the reasons why this could be run through my head, and none of them are good. I hate the unknown. I hate being out of the loop. I hate not being able to see that everything is okay. I hate waiting.
The waiting game is a terrible one to play. There are no winners. Just players in a game that never seems to end. The players want to rush things along, but the rules of the game are unwritten and constantly changing.
Obviously, I tend to check my phone more when I haven't heard from him for a few days. With every passing hour, my heart seems to sink deeper into my chest. It leaves me feeling empty. It leaves me feeling alone.
A deep void was created in my life when I drove away from him so many months ago. I don't even want to think about how long ago that was. When people ask me how long it has been, I just give a vague answer so I don't have to actually figure out when it was. I'm afraid to add up all the days he has been gone because I feel as though it will upset me more. Sometimes I view this separation as a long weekend.....a very long weekend.
I want him back. I want him here. I want to know everything is okay. I want to hear his voice. I miss him more with each passing day. I can't stop the tears from falling any longer. Sometimes it is too hard to take. Sometimes the waiting game wins.

He Promised

For Christmas this year, my soldier gave me a ring. It is a simple ring with my birth stone and a few diamonds around it. It is absolutely beautiful and I fell in love with it instantly.
It is not a wedding ring. It is not an engagement ring. However, it is a promise ring- just not the typical promise ring some couples exchange. This ring holds a different promise. A promise I hold so dear to me. A promise I think of every day.

A simple promise. A heartfelt promise. A beautiful promise.

It is the promise that he will come back to me.

I wear my ring (on my right hand) every day. No matter what I am doing, I wear it. It is like a piece of him that I can take with me everywhere. Sometimes I even sleep with it on. I like to feel the weight of the ring. It is almost like a reminder that no matter where I am, he is still with me.
I often times find myself looking at my ring. It catches my eye quite a few times a day. Everytime I look at it, I think of him. I wonder what he is doing. I think of his smile. I think of our amazing love that has lasted through these hard times.
The circle the ring makes is never ending. It will continue for all times. It will never be broken. Just like my feelings for him: They will always continue. They will always thrive. They will never be broken. And that is the beauty of it all.
One day soon, I will not only have a ring to look at. I will be able to look at him. All of him. His face, his body, his hands. His eyes. Oh, how I miss his beautiful eyes. The sparkle in his eyes could never compete to the shine on my ring. Soon I will be ale to feel the weight of his touch and not just the weight of this ring. Someday soon, though not soon enough, life will be right again. I will have him again. Just like he has promised.

Of Love and Fighting

I feel as though I have a relationship with my computer. I sit with it open for hours. I check every form of communication I have and hope for the smallest sign that he is out there somewhere, and that he is okay.
If I have a relationship with my computer, then I am cheating on it with my phone. I will not let my phone out of sight. I wake up in the middle of the night and make sure it is still on just in case he needs to call at all hours of the night. I make sure the volume is where I can always hear it. I look at it constantly when I am in class, afraid that if he does call, I won't be able to answer.
When will I have a relationship with him again? When will things be normal? Sometimes it feels as though days are flying by and we will be together in no time. However, most of the time this isn't the case.
We got into an argument today. Of course one of the few times we get to talk in the morning, and we start an argument. I will go ahead and take full responsibility for it. What was said that started it off was meant to be so innocent. A comment in passing, really. But since we could only communicate over the computer, it was taken so wrong.
It is hard to read each other over the computer. All there is in front of you are words on a screen, and no emotion behind them. You have to create your own emotion. You can't read the person's face or body language when they are said.
A simple comment I made seemed to really hurt my soldier. This was not my intention and it broke my heart he took it so harshly. Emotions got out of hand and it was not the way I wanted to start off my morning.
It can be so hard to convey my feelings. He knows I care for him deeply, but he doesn't know how deeply I really feel. My life has changed since we have started dating. He has made me into a better person just by simply being who he is. I wish I could show him how I really feel. It pains me to think that he may never know.
The good thing about our relationship, one thing that I cherrish, is that we never end a conversation on a bad note. If we ever get into an argument, we talk everything out. Every couple fights. Best friends fight. No one is ever going to perfectly get along with someone at all times. But it is the way that you handle the fight that really defines the relationship. What is the point in constanly fighting? That isn't going to help anything.
Very few times have we gotten off the phone upset. And immediately after the phone disconnects, it lights back up so we can calmly talk things out. Never once have I gone to bed angry or upset with my soldier. I am so lucky. I am so lucky we respect each other enough and care about our relationship that we are willing to work out everything. It brings us closer and makes us stronger. We are our own support system.
I miss being able to give him a hug and look into his eyes and say "I'm sorry". It hurts to know that we have to deal with our emotions so far apart. I just want to curl back in his arms again. Life isn't very fun when you have to live it alone.
No matter how horrible it is to have a fight with him, in the end, it always bring us closer. We open up about our feelings and the underlying reason why we really got into a fight (and there is almost always one). He quickly became my best friend for this reason. He knows so much about me. More than most anyone else.
I am so afraid that now that we are getting so close, now that we share such a deep connection, I may lose him. I'm scared to live my life without him. I worry that the more he learns about me, he will see I don't have my life together as much as it seems. I'm scared we will be different when we are finally back together.
On the other hand, I know my love for him is growing every day, even when we are apart. I know that when I can see him face to face, nothing else will matter. Life will be perfect again. I will be able to move on with my life. With our life.
Until then, I will be happy for every day we have.

Love lost

Love can come at you in many forms. And you can lose it just as quickly as you find it. In a few short days this week, I encountered two situations with two dear friends who lost their loves.

The first came at me in a text message. No, many text messages. My friend told me of a story every military girlfriend fears. There is the obvious situation that everyone thinks about, but every girlfriend fears she and her man will fall apart. This is about the latter of the two.
She poured her heart out to me. She told me how things are just not the same. She and her soldier are engaged, and things just aren't the same. She loves him, I know she does. But she hates the waiting game.
We will be together soon. Just wait. A little bit longer and we can start our lives together. These words, although they are meant to be comforting, can be very discouraging. It hurts to wait. Waiting is a reminder of being alone. And being alone is not where we want to be. All I could do for my friend was try to be encouraging. But in those times, you just need an ear to listen; that's what she needed me for.

The second love lost was heartbreaking. It is still very fresh, very new, and still weighs heavily in my heart and on my mind. It was my father who broke the news to me so early Sunday morning. He never brings good news that early in the day. And this was no exception.
Mr. Pool has died. Those words still ring in my ear. One of my best friend's father was gone, just like that. There was no warning, no time to prepare. He was here one moment, and gone the next. I still can't wrap my mind around this feeling.
He was a great father, a great husband, and a great American. He served his country in the Navy and later retired from there. Then he went on and became a high school teacher. He taught my two older brothers and countless other children in my town. I will always miss his jokes and his sarcastic comments we would toss back and forth.

Both of these loves lost are hard to swallow. Hard to understand. There is no rhyme or reason as to why things happen. There are few words that can be shared to bring comfort in either situation.

Love is a ever-evolving and constant changing emotion. It is something you always need to work on. It brings its own challenges and its own joys. It can be something so wonderful that you become so accustomed to it being there. You grow used to its warmth. Love can wrap its arms around you and make you feel so safe and so at home.
It is when love is taken away from us that we feel its wrath. The pain it leaves behind can knock you to your knees. It can make you feel as though you cannot continue once it is gone. Love can leave you out in the cold before you even know it.

Thankfully, I have not learned of this pain firsthand. I hope I never will. I wish no one had to know this pain. I have an overflowing amount of love in my life. I have my soldier, and before I know it, he will be back with me. I have my family, and we have our health.

My love is not lost. My love is present in everything I do. Every hour of the day, every choice I make, love has a part in my life. These days I have a lot to be thankful for; it is sad that people don't see that until it threatens to be gone.

Spring Break Pt 2

Sometimes, I think the hardest part of this situation is not being understood. Of course I miss him every day we are apart, but sometimes it would be really nice to have someone to talk to. Someone to cry with. Someone who understands.
I went to bed last night early, despite my friends taunting me and begging me not to. The weight on my shoulders I carry around every day can be exhausting. The way my mind races thinking about him, what he is doing, where he might be, could wear anyone out. I find it easier to put up with people's jokes than to deal with the thoughts that are going through my mind constantly.
Often times, I feel as though people don't understand because they don't want to understand. They don't want to know how hard it can hurt to miss someone so deeply. They don't want to know what it feels like to not be able to pick up a phone and call their significant other whenever they want. They don't want to know what it is like to live their daily lives without them to share it with. And I can't blame them.
I wish I didn't know this pain, this confusion, this frustration. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I hate feeling alone. I hate the fact that my life is on hold until he is home with me again. I hate going to bed without hearing his voice. I miss telling him about my day. I wish there was another way to fix this void he has left. I wish, more than anything, that he was here. But he isn't, and that is just something I have to deal with until he can take my pain away.
I haven't talked to him since I came here for vacation. I have not been able to tell him about where I am, what my friends and I have been doing, all of the fun things that we have seen. I haven't heard his opinion of what I am doing. I haven't heard his laugh or his jokes or his voice.
I love the girls I am here with. We all have our different personalities and different opinions, but for the most part, we all get along. However, sometimes, when the stress of the day seems to be getting too much, I need time alone. I need to be by myself to think and to refocus my mind. I think this can be the hardest thing for them to understand. They know he is gone, they know I miss him, but they don't understand why my mood can turn sour so quickly. No one can understand unless they were going through it, too.
It upsets me that I haven't talked to him since I was here. I see my friends talking to their boyfriends. I hear their problems about them and listen to the funny stories of what they did that day. I don't have that. I don't have any funny stories to share about what my boyfriend said today. I don't get to talk about where he is on his spring break. I only can talk about the things we went through when we were together months ago. I don't hear about fun things he did that day or any of his friends. Almost all of our conversations are one-sided; I tell him what I did that day and what funny things my friends said, but he doesn't return the favor.
I am beginning to miss his friends a lot, too. I can't forget that they are gone as well. When he left, I lost his friends as well. I can't call them. I can't share our inside jokes. Our friendships weaken with each passing day. When we are all reunited, things will be different. Time will have elapsed since the last time I saw them. More than that of me and my soldier. Our bonds that were beginning to grow in the few short months that we knew each other will be changed. We will have to recreate our friendship.
Life is changed, but life will keep going. There are so many things people don't think about. There are so many things I wish I didn't have to think about. But the truth is, I do. This is my reality. This is our life, until he comes home.

Spring Break

I am on Spring Break with some of my good friends from school. We decided to go to another state in order to escape for a week. Miles away from home. Miles away from class. Miles away from anything. It is so great to be here. I am slowly noticing how much sleep I've really been missing. All of the stress is beginning to melt away off my shoulders. I have no papers due, no tests, and no classes for another week. And it feels perfect.
Being here makes me feel so distant. I don't know anyone but my friends here. There are no commitments I have to do. There are no rules I have to follow. I can just be myself for once.
It's funny; you would think being in a town where I have no connection and have never been to wouldn't make me think of anything but the present and how blissfully wonderful that can feel. But really, all I can think about is how badly I want him here. As much as I try to push it out of my mind for a little bit, take a break from this reality, it always manages to sneak back in.
Everything I do this week, I wish he could do, too. Everything I see, I wish he could see. Every place I make plans to visit, I wish he was here to make the plans with me.
It is a horrible feeling to know that I can't pick up the phone and call him and tell him all about the fun I am having. A feeling that I don't know I will ever get used to. There is always that one thing that sparks my mind to think about him. And there is always that split second where I want to pull out my phone and tell him. But I can't do it.
Today it was a volleyball court.
In ninth grade, when my soldier and I started dating the first time around, I was on my high school volleyball team. I loved it. And somehow, for whatever reason, I was actually kind of good at it. My coach was Coach Knowles. Little did I know, he was friends of my boyfriend's family. They all played volleyball together. My soldier's oldest brother, the one whom I am closest with, plays volleyball out in California. His dad always plays along with pick-up teams. They know what they are doing.
I think the second time I saw his dad, they showed up to volleyball practice at the end to help people with their jumps and techniques. I was so embarrased and thought I would never match up to their standards, I left before they could "help" me.

As I walked on the beach with my friends today, a boy caught my eye. He was of similar height, built, and age of my soldier when we first met. And he was wearing boardshorts, which he practically lived in the summer we first met. It took me back to a simplier time, where all I thought about was what I was doing from one moment to the next. That summer holds so many perfect memories. I wish I had known then that they would mean so much to me years down the road.
I really can't explain why I miss him as much as I do tonight. I thought that if I stayed here with my friends I would be having so much fun and be so distracted from everything, that it wouldn't bother me as much. But, as it turns out, it doesn't matter where I have the fun to make a difference. Whether I am back at school or off on a vacation with my good friends, if I am having fun, I am going to wish I was having that fun with him.

I guess that is what love is.

No matter how perfect life can be, no matter how many friends you are surrounded with, no matter how many tv shows or movies or games occupy your time, if you are having fun, you are going to wish the person you love was there. Even now, after months of being apart, I still can't get used to him being gone. I hope I never get used to living my life without him here to live his next to me.

"I wonder what Piglet is doing," thought Pooh.
"I wish I were there to be doing it, too."
-Winnie the Pooh

Until Midnight

As I sit here writing this, I am mere minutes away from my birthday. Another year older. And he isn't here. It is bittersweet. I so wish he was here with me, but I am very excited about this new year ahead of me.
As I sit here and reflect on this last year of my life, I can only think of how much it has changed. I reconnected with the most amazing man I have met. He has filled my life with so much joy. We have gone through one of the hardest things I could imagine. We have been torn apart by something out of our control. I fell for him hard. I have missed him more and more with each passing day. I can't wait to be with him again.
I think back on all of the things we have done together. We had a lot of "first"s this year. First time going to a wedding together. First time being in my college town together. First time meeting our new friends. First time we had to knowingly say goodbye together. I'm afraid we've had a lot of lasts, too. We just had our last night time chat of this year. And it hurts that it had to be on the computer.
I am heartbroken he can't be here. Tomorrow may be the hardest day I've gone through yet. I must stay positive. I must keep in mind that I have an amazing guy who is thinking of me on this day. I will be without him physically, but not emotionally. He will always be with me in my heart. Right where he belongs. I am so glad my friends will surround me tomorrow. They will be the only thing to keep my mind occupied.
I will be okay. Tomorrow is a day just like any other. But I know it will be filled with joy and laughter no matter what. My soldier's love will not be ignored. He will be with me in spirit. And that'll be just fine. For now.

I will sit here and reflect on this year. Replay all the memories in my head; the good and the not so good. They all got me where I am today. I will think of all of this and look forward to what is to come in this new year of my life.

Until midnight.