Jam-Packed Days.

I had no clue I would be this busy during this session of summer classes! You know it is a bad sign when you wake up on Tuesday morning and it feels like it should already be Friday. I've been working around the clock to do five online quizzes, a midterm, and two huge research papers....all of which happened to be due Monday and Tuesday. Note to self: don't take two classes that require a lot of outside work back to back. I'm swamped.
But on the bright side, this past weekend was awesome! I was so afraid I would feel awkward at the concert with all of his friends. After all, I hadn't met a lot of them and the few I did know, I had only met a few times. Thank goodness his best friend decided to take my extra ticket so I didn't have to be alone.
It was the first time I had seen all but one guy since they had gotten back. They all were really great. They all asked to see my ring, asked about the wedding, and asked about my soldier. All of this from big strong guys? I was really impressed. I guess my soldier really put in a strong word for them to look after me. There was even one point when some random guy came up to me at the concert and tried to dance on me and flirt with me. Three of the guys turned around and ran him off. My soldier will be really glad to hear that! I'm glad the guys really stepped up their game to protect me and include me in everything they were doing.
And I got some good news a few days ago! I've heard through the grapevine that my soldier is getting yet another weekend pass so I'm driving up to spend a few hours with him. I can't wait to see his cute little face. Right now I would settle for a phone call. I haven't heard from him in a few days but I am still staying optimistic for a call or text today or tomorrow.
As for now, I'm just trying to focus on school. This weekend can't come soon enough...for more reasons than one!

Random Rants

I tried on my very first wedding dress this afternoon! I just kept looking in the mirror thinking "this just isn't real". But it was! That really was me standing in those dresses. I still think it is so crazy.
Tonight, I should be getting all dressed up to go to the military ball. I should be doing my hair and meeting with my friends to take pictures. Instead, I'm sitting on my couch...in my sweatpants. Not what I had in mind a short month ago. It would have been the first one we went to together. But, as we all know, plans often change.
Tomorrow, I am meeting up with a lot of our friends to go see a concert. Seriously I think there are supposed to be 15-20 of us going. It should be a lot of fun! But I still have mixed feelings about it. My soldier bought us these tickets nearly 3 or 4 months ago. We had a great weekend planned and had hoped to see some of my family. Instead, I'm driving myself up there, meeting with his friends, and going to the concert alone. Well, not quite alone- his best friend is going to be my "date". He's going to take the ticket my soldier should have used. I'm glad to be spending time with our friends, many of which I haven't seen in....a long time. I just wish my soldier could be with us, too. After all, he is the only reason they are my friends.
I'm just ranting. I know it will be fun. I'm just really tired of him not being here. I think I'm going to hold off on wedding plans for a month or so. It is just too much to deal with while he is gone. Good thing we still have a long way to go!

When words just aren't enough...

For Christmas, I gave my soldier a special gift. It was something I had never done before. I wrote him a song. I created the lyrics, chords, and melody with just him in mind. On Chirstmas eve, as we sat in front if the fire with my parents, I pulled out my guitar and song. I'll never forget the way he looked at me that night.
Whenever I am missing him more than usual, I pull out my guitar and start singing his song. It is a type of therapy that really helps. It helps me to remember him and think of why I love him and how happy I am to be with him.
Sometimes, when he is having a particularily hard day, or just wants to feel close to me, he will ask me to play his song. He doesn't ask for it every often, so when he does, I know he needs it that time.
I was able to talk to him some this weekend during his weekend pass that he was lucky enough to get. Thank goodness for that. We even got to Skype. But right before we had to say our goodbyes again, he spotted my guitar behind me and asked if I had played lately. I told him I hadn't really played for a few weeks or so. He asked me to get it out and sing to him. When I asked what song he wanted to hear, he simply said, "you know which one". So I began to play it for him, via webcam, and I saw the look that still haunts me as I type this. He wasn't ready to say goodbye again. He wasn't ready to leave me. It was all I could do to resist reaching through the computer and hugging him. Sometimes I wish I could make things easier. But nothing about this life is going to be easy. We knew that coming in.
I hope that this song is always important to us. It means so much to me that he asks for it. I hope our children will one day hear it and try to fully understand the love we have for one another and the hard road we took to get here.
So here it is, my humble attempt at song writing. It may not be the best one out there, but to me and my soldier, it is one of the most important ones.
When I was young
I gave my heart away
To a little boy
With big brown eyes.
He was the only one who could make me smile.
From school dances,
To combat boots.
You took the chances I knew you would.
And now you're, before me,
In your army greens.
Wheres the boy I knew back when I was fourteen?
Then that boy if mine
Turned into a man
When he heard the call
Of uncle sam.
I stayed up late at night
Wondering where that boy may be,
Never knowing he was thinking of me.
Now i know how lucky a girl can be.
And I'm so glad i have him now.
From school dances,
To combat boots.
You took the chances I knew you would.
And now you're before me,
In your army greens.
Where's the boy I knew
Back when I was fourteen?

Signs of a Big Kid

I'm finally in my new apartment. I'm finally here. I dreamed about it for months. I thought about where everything would go. How we would decorate. How much better everything would be.
And everything is a lot better. One look at our granite counter tops will assure you it is better. But when I look around at my beautiful new apartment, I can't help but feel a twinge in my heart. It all seems a little bitter sweet.
This is the last college apartment I will have. This is my last "single girl" bedroom. This is the last place I will live in with the girl I have called my roommate for the past two years (this will be the third year we've lived together and we haven't managed to kill one another...how many college girls can say that?).
In the few short months that have passed since I've signed this lease, so many things have changed. When I move out of here in 9 or 10 months, I'm moving to a new town. I'll be moving to a new apartment or house that I will later share with my new husband. I'll be finding a new job. I'll be starting a new life...and it didn't really hit me until I moved in.
But at the same time, I can't help but feel a sense of accomplishment. I've moved into my first REAL place! This stuff is MINE. We have our own furniture. Even if the majority is taken from our parents, it is still ours. We can do what we want. The lease is in MY name. The bills are in MY name. In nearly every sense of the phrase, this place is mine.
Even the new bed in my room is mine. Completely. My soldier and I bought this bed two weeks ago together. It was our first real purchase. It was the first real thing that was ours that we knew for sure it was going to be in our married lives. It just feels so exciting.
I can't wait to see where this year takes me. Before I know it, I'm going to be a married woman. But for now, I'm enjoying the last college apartment I will have. I'm going to soak it up for all it is worth. And when the time comes, I will be more than ready to move on to my new life as an Army wife.

Strength

They say "Beauty is in the eye of the beholder". Often times, I wonder if the same is true for strength. Can some see us at our weakest and interpret it as our strongest? 

Onlookers from the outside look at us put on a brave face. They see us walking through our days like nothing is wrong. They see us smiling and laughing. They see us doing the same tasks as always.

What they don't see is the tears that were falling down that "brave face" moments earlier. They don't see how we worry. They don't see our worlds falling around us. They don't see how difficult even the simplest of tasks have now become.

Yet we still get up and out of bed every day. We still get things done. We still hold our heads up high. We find the strength to make it through each day. We find the strength we never knew we had.

We do all of this, daily, to help our soldiers find their source of strength to keep going. If we weren't here to support them, who would be?

Mind Tricks

Sometimes our minds can play tricks on us. It makes us think we can see or hear something that isn't really there. It can be really cruel to us.
I made it through just fine yesterday without talking to my soldier. I'm used to him going out to the field every now and then for a few days at a time. My friends keep saying they don't know how I do it. I tell them you just do what you have to. You do what you are used to.
Two nights ago, I talked to my soldier in our normal fashion. We shared parts of our days, which were very boring, and talked about what was in store for the next day. I told him when I was getting up to get ready for school and when I would be in my two classes and when I had a break between them. He told me of all the things he had to do in the morning before he left. He told me what time he was to report and we said we would talk in the morning and quickly said goodbye. He didn't call me in the morning. He didn't call before he went off. I was a little upset but I didn't really think much into it. After all, I'm used to going to 5 or 6 in the evening before I hear from him for the first time any given day. But yesterday wasn't just any day.
I stayed busy between my classes, reading, homework, paper I had to write, and still moving all those boxes to the new place! By the time I went to bed, I was so exhausted I didn't give it much thought.
This afternoon, while in the old apartment alone, I decided to box up some more stuff in my room while I had a chance. The place was quiet. The TV was down low and I was focused on what I was doing. Then I heard the faintest sound of my soldier's ringtone I have for when he calls me. I dropped everything and ran to the living room where my phone was. But it wasn't ringing. My brain had tricked me.
I don't know what is worse; knowing you can't talk to them for awhile and having to accept it, or thinking you are still in your old routine and quickly realizing you are wrong.
I guess there are phases to your "normal". For a few months it is normal to have him sit by you on the couch. And before you know it, it is "normal" for him to be long gone again. I don't like that kind though. I think of it as a small part of our life, but I will never accept it as "normal". My life isn't right or normal without him by my side.

Sacrifices

Within every aspect of the military, someone makes a sacrifice. Every day. Sometimes they are small, and sometimes they are the ultimate sacrifice. Each one is significant in its own way. Each one means something different to each individual person. Each one is meaningful. Each one is important.
Every service member gives up parts of their lives we often take for granted. They leave their families due to training, deployments, or a number of other reasons. Things are put on hold for months. They often have to give up the comfort of their own bed, home cooked meals, and time to themselves. They do this without question or hesitation. They don't think about the sacrifices they have to make--they do what is asked of them, what is needed of them.
Military families have a whole different level of sacrifices they make. Most of them didn't choose this life, you can't really decide who you fall in love with. Many didn't come from military life in the first place, so they had to learn this life as it happened. They give up weekends and holidays while their loved ones are gone. They give up hours of sleep while they sit up worrying. They often have to pick up and move with little protest. They have to work as single parents, event planners, personal chefs, drivers, and maid services to their family, all while worrying about their loved one on the other side of the world.

This summer, my soldier and I have had to make sacrifices of our own. Some were small. Some we did without thinking twice. But there were a few sacrifices that were hard to make.
I gave up my summer vacation this year. I'm taking a full load of courses just so I can graduate earlier. I gave up living at the beach for a few months. I gave up my normal summer job that I love. I opted out of a family vacation. I did all of this so my soldier and I could be together both this summer and in the near future.
But there were other plans for my soldier. He left today for a very long training session. Something I am still not familiar with. He gave up all of our plans we made for this summer. He gave up our weekend getaways to the lake. He gave up going to a concert he already bought us tickets for months ago. He gave up the potential of being there when my niece is born. He gave up our plans for formal.
Along with all of these plans, he is giving up his personal space. He is giving up his sleep, his time to be alone. He is giving up his mental and physical strength while pushing his body to its limits. He did this without question - because it is what was asked of him.
I said goodbye to him in the only college apartment of mine he has known. I watched him drive away from me for what could be two weeks or four months. When he gets back, I will be in a new place for us to make new memories in. We will be well into our engagement. I will have become an aunt.
I gave up my holiday to spend a few hours with him. I spent it in a deserted college town. I packed up odds and ends and printed off pictures. I did what I could to keep myself busy. But I can't help but think of where I normally would be tonight; on the beach, surrounded by friends and family, waiting to watch the fireworks of the coast of my hometown.
 Tonight there will be no fireworks. No friends, no family. Tonight I will go to bed in a bare apartment and get ready for my classes that start up tomorrow morning. Tonight I will be stuck between how my summers were once spent back home, and how they will be spent starting a year from now when I am married. Tonight I will be made aware that we all make sacrifices, and they are all important.